Happy Heavenly Birthday Michael...

Today is filled with all sorts of emotions.  I am happy to report our newest addition looks very healthy - with no markers whatsoever.  This news coming right on Michael's birthday is really bittersweet.  It is hard to imagine that one year ago today Michael was still alive and I was in labor at the hospital.  I can honestly say not a day goes by that I do not think about him.  I am not always sad, but I would be lying if I did not say that today I am sad and that I miss him.  He is with God and I know we are all part of a bigger plan, but it is hard to  imagine he is in a better place and yet, I do know that he is. But the mother in me would prefer to be the one taking care of him.  I was out looking at a property a few months ago and looked out and saw a little angel in this cloud... Can you see it?

I just love it so Happy Birthday little man!!!

Then I walked in from having a minor little teary breakdown (just a little one...it happens) and my front doorbell rang and it was this from my brother and sister in law... Michael's Godparents - we are so blessed!

Isn't it just beautiful ( more tears and they are both happy and sad tears - mostly happy believe it or not, because they remembered ) .  So tonight we are planning on setting off a firework in his memory and the girls love that.  We were going to release balloons, BUT we cannot do that because we live on the water and sea turtles eat balloons and that would not be a good thing, so fireworks it is!!!



It's Christmas time...

Sometimes, I really do want to write and yet sometimes, it is almost harder to write then it is to try to repress what I may have to feel.  Again, I write this in hopes that maybe someday, someone will read this and it will help.  Even if it is just one person.  It will be Michael's heavenly birthday in 3 days.  3 days and sometimes it feels like it was soooo long ago and other days it seems like it was just yesterday.  Sadly, I figured out one of my major triggers is sitting at church.  I almost always have to fight back tears at church.   Now, I have not completely figured out what that means, but it is true.  Sometimes I can not fight back the tears and it is just rough (and embarrassing).

Christmas Eve was hard, but Christmas day was peaceful.  Perhaps the anticipation of potential sadness is what I feared and knowing this would have been Michael's First Christmas is possibly just a little overwhelming.  Christmas morning one of my daughters best friends  mother died.  We knew it was coming, but that does not make it any easier and she was about my age.  I just know leaving her family had to be sooooo hard.  Of all days, of all times of the year in general... 

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular

 please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS

 WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs

 that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare

with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you

of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description

 to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know how much you miss me,

I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS

WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR

or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS

 WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to lift your spirit

as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER

 as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful

 and let your spirit sing
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

By Wanda Bencke

Here is the kicker ~ a year later and I know I am blessed to have carried Michael and I am blessed to be pregnant again, but I have to be honest, I am not really all that satisfied with how things turned out.  I do not understand how in any way shape form or fashion this was helpful.  I know things happen for a reason, but the death of a baby, what reason is that???   I also find myself worrying of course about lightening striking twice and breaking my children's hearts.  I think having to tell them bad news again is more than I could possibly handle.  When you have been down this horrible road, you think it couldn't happen again, but it could, we know we are not somehow protected because it already happened, we know that no matter how hard we want something or pray for something it doesn't always work out. 

On some crazy level, I must be superstitious because I am afraid to talk about this baby, we have not even talked about names, I almost do not want to know what the sex of this baby is, not because I am not excited or do not want this baby, but basic psychology tells me I am trying to protect my heart.  EVERY time I catch a glimpse of my car clock it always has matching numbers, like it will be 10:10 or 2:22 even my odometer read 11111 today when I parked, and I know it is nuts (really I am ok with that) but what does that mean? (besides I have lost my mind)

So, then in my obsessive googling quest the other night, I ran across a blog that was pretty leveling.  I hate to say someones misfortune made me feel less unfortunate, but it is true.  It was not a babyloss blog per say, but is was a young OB/GYN doctors blog about her journey to an impoverished town and the women that had losses and even died giving birth as if we were back in medieval times because of very treatable and preventable things.  I will find it and post it here, but these are real life horror stories and not mitigating our loss that is still, very real, but is is a different perspective for sure.

Emotionally Christmas is difficult for a lot of people and I certainly understand now more than ever, but it is Christmas and I always want this to be a special time of the year for all of my children, so essentially I am hunting for my happy place right now and they are my happy place.  Of course Michael's birthday is in three days and that coupled with my "big" ultrasound in 2 days, I am absolutely a little bananas : )  so keep us in your thoughts and prayers for the next few days and I promise I will post the results of the "big" ultrasound Tuesday night.

My head is working overtime...

So I had to share a moment - yesterday I had a busy day at work and then of course as every mother knows my day really begins when my children come home from school, so the day began at 3:30.  Morgan walked home from the bus stop and brought me a flower from Michael's tree down the street. I love that it reminds her of Michael and I have a bowl full of flowers now as well as the tree my brother grew for me so I will always have Michael's tree with me.  This is the time of year it blooms.  Abbi gets home a little later so Morgan and I jumped on the golf cart to buzz down and surprise her and pick her up (the stop is about a block from our house).

Anyways, we then proceeded to the waffle house for dinner (I know, I know... but they have waffles for dinner, yum!) which I may add is always some source of entertainment for me.  I can't help it, but something always strikes me as funny when we go to the waffle house, so I digress for just a moment.  Yesterday at dinner Abbi told me her sprite tasted awful, like fizzy water minus the syrup, so we told the waitress and mind you Abbi is sick (on antibiotics, but still sore throat and boogers to boot), so the waitress without hesitating picked Abbi's drink up and took a big swig and said ewww you are right and brought her a new one.  Seriously, that really happened and all of our eyebrows were raised, AND I am still laughing a little this morning. 

Then we headed over to Michael's the craft store and I proceeded to have a breakdown in the store.  Yes I did and it took me until this morning to put it all completely together.  No it is not the name, it is that time of the year... it was Christmas, I really missed all the Christmas hoopla last year, because I was on bed rest and we specifically waited until after the Holidays to have Michael to avoid associating it with the Holidays for the girls, but apparently my brain does not work the same. 

The point is I have some issues to deal with and I would be lying if I did not tell you as I was being neurotic, I could not help but worry about every possible thing that could go wrong with this pregnancy - from cord issues to trisomies to brain development to kidneys - so while I know God is in control and I know all of this, but my head is working overtime right now so stay with me as I have a doctors appt. Wednesday and we may actually after all find out the flavor of this baby. 

Neurotic until further notice...

Well I have not been writing much, but not because I have moved on, in fact it is quite the opposite.  I have however been somewhat struggling internally with what I feel is appropriate because I want this blog to be about Michael.  It became increasingly difficult to compare things to Michael as the days turned into months without feeling like I was not trying to hold on to him.  So as I venture into another journey with my family, I will try to be honest with where we are and what is happening in our lives. 

We dealt with a lot of opinions as we carried Michael despite his diagnosis and not all were supportive.  I actually stayed pretty private (but for the blog) and still it is difficult to hear people thoughts when they are opposed to the choices you have made.  With that said, we obviously wanted Michael and we miss him but we know we could never replace him.  Funny after Michael was born I remember thinking how much pain we were all in that I would obviously never want another child for fear of losing him or her again ~ but sometimes faith wins out over fear and here we are today expecting our "rainbow baby".

So I think perhaps I should explain, A rainbow baby, is usually a baby that is born after a loss.  I found this on a website about "Rainbow Babies" it is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

So there you have it, we are expecting our rainbow the beginning of May. I am officially in my second trimester and I have to admit, it is very difficult not to compare pregnancies.  We opted out of some of the earlier tests because honestly they all came back normal with Michael and the risk of them coming back abnormal given my age is pretty high and those abnormals are often false, so we are waiting until our "big" scan, which is right after Christmas.  We also opted out of the CVS because of the risk of miscarriage, so to say it is a little nerve wracking may be the understatement of the universe : ) but here we are praying for healthy. 

So many things so not matter this time.  All that matters is healthy, so please keep us in your prayers, because I am pretty much neurotic until further notice, if I told you any different, I would be telling a fib.  Our big scan is actually scheduled for December 28th, the day before Michael's birthday.  I have no idea if that is a good or a bad thing, but I had no desire for it to be on his birthday and honestly I did not want to do it before the holidays in case it was bad news.

If you are still following my blog, you may be wondering about the girls.  Well, that was pretty funny.  Morgan was very concerned about me and wanted to know if I was ever going to lose weight? So we told them and the first thing they asked was "Is this baby going to die too???" Tough question, but we are trying to be honest as we venture down this new journey with them.  They know we don't know, they know we are concerned and that we are hopeful.  As I have dealt with my grief I have met some incredible mothers that have carried to term their babies with fatal prognosis and many of these mothers are dealing with the same thoughts and fears.  Before I had Michael it just never occurred to me how many different things could possibly happen to an unborn baby. So please keep all of my rainbow mommas in your prayers.  I do not feel alone this time, but the fears are real and I am putting my faith in God that He will carry us all no matter what the outcome may be. 

Tomorrow is another day...

So today was quite a day - some days will be this way, but today was hard for a very strange reason.  I write this only because I swore that I would share my journey and this journey is not over.  May be one day my journey will help someone even if it is a little then I am helping my little man fulfill one of his purposes because I am certain he had a few ; )

It is time for me to go to the doctor - my regular OB/GYN doctor.  Now this seems pretty normal, but as I look back and remember last year I realize I have not dealt with some of my feelings.  I have some bitterness towards my doctors.  We chose comfort care for Michael - meaning no extraordinary measures were to be taken and I was pretty high risk because of my blood pressure and excess fluid he was creating because he was not swallowing well.  I just never felt very important given what was going on and I know they have a very busy practice but I called a few times and it would be days before anyone would return a call.  They never did my glucose test or any non stress tests.  Now, I will grant you I was certainly a little sensitive, but it was kind of like he wasn't going to make it anyways so really I was wasting their time.  She quit doing ultrasounds and although normally I could understand, I knew from another friend of mine that was carrying a baby with similar problems she did an ultrasound often for her, so it was maybe a little jealousy but it was all I had.  Even after Michael was born I had a migraine for a few days and called to see if they could help and no call back for several days.  If ever I have felt unimportant - it was then.  Whew! Ok perhaps I am harboring a little teensy resentment...

So today I needed to make an appointment and I decided it was time to change doctors...  I picked up the phone a dozen times, but everytime I went to make that call my fingers would not work.  Tomorrow is another day and tomorrow my fingers will work...

Thanks Shannon for my picture from A Walk to Remember!

One year since...

Thank you Shannon for remembering Michael...

So tomorrow is one year.  One year since I was a carefree pregnant mom.  One year since we found out there MAY be a problem. One year since my world changed. One year...

October is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  October 15th has further been recognized as the international day of awareness ~ Friday October 15th, at 7 p.m. we will be participating in the "Wave of Light" by lighting a candle in remembrance of Michael all the little angels gone too soon.  Please join us : )

Be faithful in small things...

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies. ~ Mother Teresa

This is so to the point and perfect for me right now.  As a fellow angel mommy celebrated her little ones one year angleversary today.  Did I say celebrate? Yes, celebrate.  I am remembering all the angel babies and not a day goes by that I do not think of Michael. Not a sad thing, a very normal thing, but now as a mother to an angel, I celebrate every angels life because they are so important and these angels have all touched me. I know there stories, I know how important they are I even feel like I know what there little personalities were like.  We are so blessed and I am so blessed to know all the mommies of the above angel babies.  I have so much to share and I am thinking October is a good month to share ~ so hang with me while I sort through my heart...

Are you still there?

Well it has certainly been awhile - 3 months to be exact...  The oil stopped, summer is over, the kids are back in school and we are still on our journey.  I still grieve Michael, although I have to admit the grief is not nearly what it was.  As I approach the "anniversarys"  of finding out we were having a boy and then finding out there were problems I get a bit sad, but not fall apart sad more like, "what if things were different"? Well, things are not different, but we are blessed.  I got up twice last night with my old retriever as she was sick and I thought for a brief moment, I should be doing this with a baby not a dog, BUT,  I did it with the dog :  ) and I am not going to lie, I am not a middle of the night person, but my husband, well he has a gift, really a gift. I know he can hear me, he knows I am up with dogs or kids and he seriously deserves an academy award for his ability to pretend he is sleeping.  More on that later ~ I am back to blogging...

A little bit more...

Thank you Shannon! Right after I posted my last entry - I got these pictures.  I just am so lucky to have such wonderful friends in my life.  Shannon lost her little guy Aubrey, to Thanatophoric dysplasia about 2 months ago.  I am once again reminded  this evening that I am blessed to have carried Michael and blessed to have such thoughtful and generous people to remember Michael with me.  Thank you!!! 

6 Months Today

Time sure does fly... I hate that it does, but it does.  I woke up this morning and just laid in bed and my 8 year old (not knowing today is 6 months of course) asked me if she could lay in bed and watch this show about newborns. Of course you can - and she proceeds to ask me questions about Michael, which is fine, she just hasn't in awhile.  She ends it with a big juicy question, "Can we have another one, one that we can keep?" Tough question, she certainly made me squirm : )  Then my sweet sister in law (never ever forgets) text me to tell me she was thinking about Michael, and with love.  She also remembered Michael on my birthday with a bracelet that is really cool, I will take a picture and post I promise.  It has a gemstone for each of my children and she of course did not forget Michael.  I am blessed, I know that life goes on and I am at peace, but I love that people remember him.  I worry that when I die someone will forget to put him in the coffin with me (silly for sure, like I am going to care huh?) but it is what it is, I am a tad neurotic.  It is unlikely to change this late in the game.

Anyways, fast forward to a few tears today, it happened a few times, but overall a good day and not a day of depression I promise.  Then the end of the day and a friend that lost her baby to Triploidy sent me this picture...

How incredibly sweet is that?!? I love, love, love this perfect timing.  She did not even realize today is 6 months.  6 months missing him.  I may read into things (my husband will assure you that I do), but I was thinking earlier (before this) about the strength that God gives us to carry us through every journey.  If this is not a reminder from God that he has Michael and His timing is perfect, not mine and that I need to listen and pay attention to His message and give my worries right back to Him. 

I do have a little angel up there...

Visit her Blog when you can, it is http://www.whitneyjill.com/

My favorite quote on her blog and sums up my feelings today...

"Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

— A.A. Milne

Goodmorning Destin!

I love this city I live in, please pray we can handle the oil spill drifting towards us...

Remembering Matthew

A few weeks I posted about another Trisomy 18 baby, Matthew, his mommy just sent me a video of rememberance so I wanted to share, it is so sweet. 

Why today?

I have had a horrid migraine most of the day, but today was the ignition of a few issues perhaps I have not dealt with very well. 

A good friend of mine died tonight of Osteosarcoma.  We have grown apart over the years mainly because I moved away and kids growing up & yadda yadda - but she is someone near and dear to my heart and our daughters are still close friends, so my heart is broken for her family, she is my other Jessica.  Kim was my walking buddy, my friend that would laugh at me and not judge me and looked out for my daughter as if she were hers.  One night ingrained in my memory forever was of our daughters putting on one of many performances.  They were fabulous - I mean they had candles lit, printed out programs for us and I think we even had wine (I am confident we did) and as always, this performance ended with both of them diving into the pool in a ballet kind of way and it was all done to music. Our daughters were planners but they liked (and still do) to have fun, so I was actually paying attention to every detail because each moment was planned and I knew it.  They spent TIME on this performance.  Kim and I sat and we laughed and we enjoyed our daughters, really enjoyed them and appreciated what they did for us.  They did it out of love and I remember that night specifically, because Kim pointed that out to me.  NOT that I did not know this, but Kim always made me laugh and she made me think and she made me slow down to pay attention.  She was one of those brutally honest, but in a good way people.  So tonight it is fitting as I sit and remember her as the funny and honest and kind mother, wife, daughter and friend that she was.  I want to live my life with few regrets and would love to die having people remember me the way I remember Kim. 

I do hope she is holding Michael tonight as the thought of her holding my son fills me with joy.  Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers ~ she was too young to be taken from her family.  I do not want to post pictures I don't have permission to post, but this is Kim's puppy and if you knew Kim, you would know how fitting this picture is.  You will be missed...

Happy Mothers Day!

and it was...  I know I post less frequently as I do have a new blog I am posting on fairly regularly, but it is not so personal.  It is "Little Things Along the Emerald Coast" and I am doing this primarily to capture my family and how pretty it is where we live, so if you are still reading and you get a moment please pop over there and I would love it if you would follow because I am fairly sure my husband thinks I have  lost my mind...  Sometimes he is occasionally right, but it is fun anyways. 

Now out of my three girls obviously the oldest, is in graduate school and understands more than anyone and the 2 younger ones though, it is still painful, but they talk with me and Morgan my youngest (that is still kind of strange - because I feel like Michael is the youngest, but you get the point) always says Michael sends her signs and they are in the form of a heart (because he had a problem with his heart).  I think this is very sweet.  Last night at dinner, she found a heart : ), she finds heart shaped rocks ALL the time and leaves, you name it.  I have to say, she is either more observant or right, but regardless I love that she feels this connection.

This was her strawberry at dinner.

A leaf she found in the rain forest in Peurto Rico...

Another leaf she found...

Now I can not get Morgan's personality across very well, but she is extremely persistent and these are just three photos - IF I had my camera with me on many other heart conquests I could literally fill this page up, I love it.  I also got a lot of pots full of forget me nots, many hearts and one with M for Michael all over it and they took me fishing which was so pretty.  I will post pictures of that on my other blog : )

On a sad note another baby has been lost to Trisomy 18.  Morgan brought me home a hand written story I will attempt to tell.  This little guys name was Joshua and Joshua's sister is in Morgans classroom.  Same teacher, so sad and bizarre.  2 - Trisomy 18 babies lost to two little girls baby brothers in the same year, same class and same teacher.  Most Trisomy 18 babies are girls so it is even more coincidental.

Here it goes ~ I am spelling the way she does as well :

5-4-10

Dear mommy,

Today Bethany came back with pictures of her brother his name Joshua.  She showed them Mrs. Carroll, I asked if I could see them she said yes.  I said that looks like my brother.  Mrs. Carroll asked if I got to hold Micheal like Bethany held her brother. I said yes, Mrs. Carroll said that's a special moment.  Then we went back to our seats.  Sense she sits close to me I asked her if she knew what the disease was called? She said full trisomy 18.  I said thats exactly what my little brother had.  She asked what his name was?  I said Micheal.  Then I asked what her brothers name was she said Joshua.  She also said her mom is still sad.  She also said they got model magic and ink to make footprints and handprints Model magic to make foot presses. Ink to make prints.  She also had an ornament.  I asked if she got it from string of pearls she said no she got it from the store. the end.

5-4-10 (I found this in her back pack)

Today is a very good day.  Even though I heard about Bethany Cause I know I'm not the only one who had it happen to there little brother at least not the only one I know.  I also finished an art project in art class. We had sloppy joes at lunch they were yummy.  Are you glad you got to hear about the booms on the radio this morning. Did you have a good lunch with meme? Did you see the booms yet? the end

Apparently she has a lot going on in her little head - trisomy 18, the oil spill and sloppy joes : ) I love my children.  Please pray for Joshua and his family, it is so hard those first few months especially.

Gulf Coast Oil spill

Well, I am somewhat speechless as I think about what is brewing out in our most beautiful waters along the gulf coast.  I took the girls out and to be honest it was not a pretty day, but I am worried, worried it may be a long time before they can enjoy the afternoon at the beach  : (

Don't worry, this guy was safely released : ) but, the magnitude of what is happening out in the gulf concerns everyone ~ we are so dependent on the water, our town is dependent on tourism and fishing.  Hurricanes we can brace for and rebuild, but this, this is worse.  Our animals won't know to leave, the birds, the fish, the sea mammals it effects everything and everyone.  We are as prepared as we can be.  We have our gloves and boots and we have signed up to "volunteer" but now, now we sit, we wait, we watch and we pray... 

Pelicans ~ the pelicans...  they are not the best hunters.  We have a lot of pelicans and they love to hang out on the docks, they are characters.  We have Brown Pelicans and you can tell the babies because they have what we call underpants (white under bellies) and we have quite a few babies right now so I worry.  I worry about the families, the dolphins, the fish, the crabs, the plankton, the turtles, the sharks, the boats, the beaches, well... everything because it is so far reaching and the ripple effect is so frightening.  If we are spared, and I of course hope we are, it is still going to devastate our fragile eco-system (it already has and is) and it is already touching families and wildlife along the Louisiana coast. 

On a happy note, my Stephanie made it through surgery and all went well, but she still needs prayers as she heals and worries with me because I know her and that is what she does. 

Baby Matthew

I have been talking with a woman for awhile now and she just gave birth to her first child.  A little boy named Matthew.  He was a whopping 4lbs 10 ounces at 37 weeks - which is pretty big for a Trisomy 18 baby.  Please keep his family in your prayers as he was only able to be with them for 10 minutes and now they are planning his memorial service.  He was much wanted and they were so hoping for a miracle, and he is now home.  He was so beautiful and I am a little sad for them today. 

Please also keep my friend Stephanie in your prayers and her family as she prepares to have surgery tomorrow.  She is getting ready and full of anxiety so please, please keep her and her entire family in your prayers as she goes to have part of her colon removed (no fun!)  She does however has a sense of humor - this is her facebook profile picture this week...

Michael

Well, this is actually a picture Bill took - I am going to post the new pictures up over the weekend, but I do love this picture, so here is baby Michael, such a little boo...

Michaels's Sand Angels

Today was such a gorgeous day - I picked the girls up from school and we went to the beach and Abbi made Angels in the sand - pretty normal for Ms. Abbi, but today she wrote Michael's name in the sand.  We are pretty sure that he can see it from where he is.

Back from vacation!

I know I have not been posting much, but not because I haven't wanted to as much as I have been doing a bit of thinking, but I assure you Michael has been on my mind.  We all went to Puerto Rico last week and it was beautiful.  I will be putting pictures up on my other blog this weekend if you really want to see, but while my husband and the girls were doing the last hike of the day in the rain forest, I took a break.  Just a little quiet time and it was so beautiful.  The birds seem to communicate with each other and it is so amazing.  I collected rocks and made Michaels name at the top of a little area under some trees, just because : )

The night we arrived in Puerto Rico we went to the roof of our hotel and it was a full moon - I love full moons as they also remind me of Michael.  Little reminders everywhere - just kind of make me happy. 

I love this! My sister in law and brother are Michael's Godparents and they remembered him for Easter! I hope you can zoom in on this, because it is the best thing anyone could have done this year.  World Vision
2 chickens were given in my sons name to other children in need.  This is such a perfect gift and reflection of God's compassion, mercy, and watch over "the least of these."  I have been struggling a bit with understanding this and this just could not have come at a better time.  I know I am still on this journey of trying to find peace and acceptance and some days I am better than others, but Easter without Michael seemed a little sad this year, so this was so incredibly thoughtful and appreciated.  Thank you!!!

We did make Michael his very own Easter egg this year and I imagine we will continue to do this every year : )

On a very happy note I finally got the pictures of Michael from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and I am still digesting them a bit, but I have every intention of getting thos up this weekend as well - so keep watching, thanks for looking and blessings to everyone that is still following. 

St Jude's

Just a quick note to thank my Aunt and Uncle for donating to St Jude in Michael's name. I just got this yesterday and it is an organization near and dear to my heart.  

http://www.stjude.org/

It means so much to us that he is remembered and for this, I can not thank everyone enough. 

Disappointment

OK, so I have to admit, it is strange, one moment I think I am ok and then something seemingly small will happen and I realize how distant a memory Michael is becoming for many. Not for me... Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is such a wonderful organization, but my experience has made me sad. I counted on them to take pictures, so I didn't really take any and it has been over 2 months now and I don't have pictures or a fun slide show : ( After sending several emails I just got an email back tonight from someone else telling me I will have pictures in a few more weeks. I know things happen, but as medical bills pour in and people continually move on (business is business) this is just one more reminder of how seemingly unimportant our journey is or was to many. Perhaps my expectations were unreasonable, but when you are expecting something like pictures of your baby that is dead, gone, it feels like we were just forgotten. It is a volunteer group, so you can't really complain? We had three photographers and I suppose I just don't understand, or maybe I fear more disappointment...

Michael's Due Date

Out of the mouth of a Morgan

So it is Sunday morning and I am writing this fairly quickly because I am literally in between dropping the kids off at church class and going back to retrieve them... This morning as I was brushing Morgan's hair to go to church she started talking about Michael. Now please understand that Michael comes up on a daily basis, but Morgan, when she wants to talk about anything, she takes it to a whole new level. She is my talker, my questioner and virtually relentless in her quest no matter what it is. She wanted to go to her savings account and get all her money to donate to the American Heart Association in Michael's name so that maybe other babies with his condition (she knew he had problems with his heart) would not have to die. She then asked if she could hold him in heaven and what he would look like and (this child can talk...) she wanted to know if she would recognize him in heaven and if he would recognize her and if I was going to be cremated or buried and then she proceeded to tell me that maybe we would see Michael here again because, maybe he would be here for the rapture... then she wanted to know what would have happened if they would have drained the fluid around him instead of breaking my water... She really is something but this is all pretty normal for her, but what she did say and it really struck me as very important (it is all important, but if you were talking with Morgan you would truely understand most of her questions are matter of fact, she is really just asking).

So this next zinger I did not even have to read between the lines, she said, "Mommy, I am really glad you are not really really sad anymore." I said, "Of course you know I miss Micheal, and I will never forget him?" She said, "Yes, but mommy I was worried that if you were really, really sad, that God would come take you to be with Michael." Now the reason I write this is because - I feel so blessed to be surrounded by these very important reminders. You see sometimes, I feel very guilty for not being more "sad". I do grieve and I think of him everyday and sometimes it does make me cry, but for the most part, I am happy. So, this was my gift today. My moments of peacefullness through all of this have made their journey a little easier and in turn that makes me a little more peaceful...

The Memory Keeper

I got this amazing necklace from the String of Pearls Saturday night - right before Valentines day. I love it and want to share it with you. I love pearls as they are somewhat symbolic for me anyways. They are a symbol that God can take something seemingly imperfect and turn it into perfection. Thank you Laura!!!

I have been contemplating the fact that I have not been posting much and it occurred to me this morning why I have not been posting. I know people do not like to be around people that are sad. I think for me when I post, when I blog, it usually a means to express my thoughts and often my grief. So perhaps admitting I am still grieving is just hard. I don't like to be around sad me. This is exactly why I need to continue. Michael has been gone less than 2 months.

I am not a big believer in coincidence, so stay with me here because this is a bit of a mental exercise/journey. I am not alone, and I feel it today, and I feel comfort in this part of my journey.

I love hot tea, so Sunday night I ran over to the Starbucks inside Barnes and Noble and got a tea. I was meandering around waiting for Abbi and Morgan to go potty... I picked up a book. Not really a big surprise as I am inside a book store. I have been reading a few books lately, but no stories. So, the book I picked up was The Memory Keepers Daughter. I read the back and it was about a mother giving birth to twins and one has downs and that was all I saw. I did not look very close in fact I put it back down and for some reason I picked it back up and told Bill I was going to get this book because I wanted to read a story - instead of reflecting. My reasoning for this being, I love getting lost in a story and I wanted to get away from my "self help" books about grief for a little while. So I went home and put it on my night stand. Monday the girls were home from school, Tuesday I had catching up with work from the office and Wednesday I had class all day and then who knows soccer, cleaning, feeding turtles, guinea pigs and dogs... After the girls went to bed, I picked up the book and started reading. Pretty good book - but coincidentally, it is about a mothers journey grieving the death of her daughter, because the mother thinks her daughter died at birth. She did not die, but the mother thinks she died. I am only probably 1/4th of the way into the book, but earlier in the day, the girls were teasing each other on the way to softball practice (this happens constantly right now) and Abbi was telling Morgan she had travelled to more places than she had. I really was just listening and then I figured out what she was talking about. I travelled quite a bit early on in my pregnancy with Abbi. I went to the Bahamas, Ireland, England, Scotland and Wales. Morgan was very upset by this and it made me smile at such silliness, but it also made me reflect a little on Michael. We had many quiet days where I would talk to him and just watch him kick and squirm, but in this book - there were 2 parts in particular that stuck, so far - one is the mother is talking about her belly and wondering if her baby can see light permeating through her skin as babies are supposedly able to towards the end of a pregnancy. I thought about laying in bed with my belly exposed and I often wondered the same thing. There is also a point in the book where they are moving from the house the mother was pregnant in and she is struggling with the thought of moving because the house they are moving from is the only connection she has to her daughter. She thinks her daughter was born still and the point of this is how comforting this is as it is a reminder of how very much alive Michael was inside of me. I am happy I was able to celebrate his life in the way we did. I feel very blessed to have been on bedrest, to have had that time to be quiet and alone with him.

Goodbye Doctors

Well this week was my official, last doctor appointment and I had to take a few days to digest. I am not sure how I feel yet. I still do not have the pictures back from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and that is kind of weighing on me for some reason, but honestly I know they will come at some point, but because they were there I can't help but be anxious. It is really all I have left and I want to make a memory book, but I can't until I have pictures...

My doctor was very kind this week, she asked if we were going to try again and I told her I was scared. We obviously wanted Michael, and I obviously do not want to replace him. The genetic counselor assured us we are not carriers and the chances of a male trisomy 18 baby not miscarrying were very slim, which is the proverbial lightening strike. Well, I have some thinking and praying to do...because lightening scares me...

Gratitude

Yesterday I was listening to Zig Ziglar in person and I was struck by the love of his family. It brought me back to a conversation I had yesterday with my friend Stephanie. She pointed out that God is so present in our lives because she knows me SO well, she knows this is how we made it through our journey. I am not always good at explaining or even knowing how I feel, but immediately I felt gratitude because I know she is right.

About 3 years ago Zig Ziglar fell and suffered a brain injury which affects his short term memory, so he repeats things. Regardless, he is an amazing speaker and still enjoys sharing with people so his daughter now travels with him along with his wife of 63 years and he still makes occasional appearances. The love that family shares is absolutely infectious, but Mr. Ziglar did repeat himself a few times, but what struck me again was what he repeated. He kept speaking of home court advantage - and how gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions and it makes fear disappear. After he said it the second time, his daughter whom was standing next to him on the stage, smiled and said, ok, when he repeats himself usually someone needs to hear what he said and I think she was right, and but certainly not just me. I keep thinking about the gratitude I have for God carrying us and for my family, because clearly my friend is right, there is no way I could walk that road alone. I am certain no one can. I am so blessed to have the family and friends that I have. I am blessed to have had Michael and even though I miss him terribly and would prefer to have in my arms, I have mostly moments of peace, but not regret.

It has been a month tomorrow since Michael died and I have to admit it often seems like it was so long ago and that breaks my heart a little, but the girls talk about him daily. All my maternity clothes have been packed up for weeks and for that I have gratitude. I have not lost my baby weight, but my body is actually back to "normal" again whatever that is :~) For all of these things I have gratitude. To be honest sometimes I hit a brick wall and I can never quite measure why or when because sometimes grief is so unexpected and so uninvited. The women I talk with that have lost there babies keep me and feel my pain, because as many of them have pointed out it is so hard to predict what may trigger moments of grief.

A Pair of Shoes

About a week after we received the results regarding Michael, I kept thinking over and over - that I do not like my shoes ~ metaphorically speaking. Today as I read this poem it made me smile. I feel like I have come a long way, but still sometimes when I look in the mirror, I can not help but think, did that really happen? Is he really gone? I will forever be a mother whose baby died, I lost my only son and some days I just do not like my shoes.

I was shopping with Abbi the other day and I was returning an outfit and I mentioned to the clerk that I was having a really hard time finding clothes that fit right now because I just had a baby recently - really not thinking, or perhaps being comfortable in my shoes for a moment. Then, I realized what door I had opened. The clerk politely asked me if I had a boy or a girl... I told her a boy and she then congratulated me. I am pretty certain I looked like a deer in the headlights. I said thank you and quickly changed subjects. She probably thought I was crazy or extremely hormonal, little does she know I spared her from what was really inside my head. Abbi did not miss any of this and as soon as we got in the car, she quickly pointed out the clerk obviously thought Michael was still alive. I smiled, stroked her hair and said yes she did, BUT, I did not cry. Maybe, I am learning to wear my shoes. I still miss him and I still cry sometimes, some days more than others. I struggle daily with trying to be strong and keeping a healthy balance of honoring Michael's life.


A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.


Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.


I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.


To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.


I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.


No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.


I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Friday night my brother and sister in law took us out to eat to celebrate an award my husband is receiving and I got to sit next to my nephew, remember that he is 4. I love 4 - it's still very honest and so innocent and really funny. Keep in mind, he has seen me multiple times since Michael was born and his parents of course have talked with him about Michael. Anyways, we are talking about his dinosaur he brought to dinner and we are discussing the things his dinosaur eats (like paper - of course) and then he stops mid-sentence looks at me and says, "Did you have baby Michael yet?" I said yes I did and then he asks, well what did you do with him? So, I told him that Michael died and he was in heaven now (hoping he wasn't literally asking). Morgan was sitting on the other side of him and she added that he was born into heaven and he seemed ok with that. I asked him if he was ok with that and he assured me that he was. It was very sweet and it occurred to me later that he knew all of the answers to his questions before he asked them. I wasn't answering some delicate question, I was more than likely being tested by my sweet nephew to see how I would react. I have noticed this with my children as well. Michael is never very far from my thoughts. Of course, I would rather still have him and sometimes when the girls ask hard questions, like why did God give us a baby we can't keep? Those same questions creep into my head as well. I know they are normal questions, I just hope I can answer them in a way that makes some sense.

Bill and I were discussing this Psalm last night.

Psalm 138:8

The Lord will fullfill His purpose for me; your love O Lord endures forever

- do not abandon the works of your hands.

It does seem so fitting right now. Michael's life has been such a blessing in my life, no matter how brief.

So earlier, while I was doing Morgan's hair, she asked me if Michael was back yet...well, that was one of those dreaded triggers that causes my turtle like charm. I told her maybe, but that I was not prepared for that yet. Bill and Abbi walked in at that moment so she asked him. She was not upset, she just wanted to make sure we told her. So Bill said he was not sure if I was ready for that and Abbi is a lot like me in that sense so she looked at me with knowing eyes. Bill told Morgan that he had Michael and she really, really wanted to hold the urn, so he went into his closet (he has a big walk in closet with a safe so they went in there together) and I peaked around the corner and Abbi was on the floor peering through a crack in the door and that was my que, I knew at that moment she really wanted to see the urn. Really, once I knew Bill had the urn, I had some sense of peace that I did not expect. So I walked around the corner and opened his door and told him I was ready. So we all held this super teeny tiny heavy marble box with Michael's ashes I teared up for a moment and then we all kept going. The rest of the day was "moment free". Morgan is my talker (you have probably figured that out), but she asks A LOT of questions and they usually make me laugh, but sometimes they make me think, She asked me if it was ok to be sad or if it was ok to not be sad and I told her both. I told her that I was sad sometimes, but that I did not want to be sad too much because I know Michael does not want us to be sad and that I did not want them to be sad either. I told her that I knew I was blessed and she liked that.

Once in a Blue Moon

Well, honesty is so hard sometimes and not because I want to be dishonest, but because I sometimes just don't want to face reality. I do this a lot. Michael did not bring this about, he has just helped me become more aware of my turtle like ability. For example, I knew that Michael's ashes were ready and they were being delivered this week, actually on Abbi's birthday, but I could not deal with that, not on her birthday. I knew I would forever merge those 2 dates in my head. I did it with Michael's funeral. He was laid to rest on New Years day under a "blue moon". Luckily the blue moon part on New Years eve really does only happen once in a blue moon... I can assure you that I will remember his birthdate, his born into heaven date as we call it in our house and I will silently remember his funeral and the day we bring him home. I told Bill, not on her birthday, her birthday was 2 days ago and I am officially torturing myself over not knowing where he is and not allowing him to be at home with us yet or asking Bill where he is keeping him until his emotional wife is able to cope like a grown up. So, while I am actually doing pretty well, I have some issues I am still working on. The funny part, is that I know Michael is in not here. I know God knew Michael before he was born and that he is at peace, but the mommy in me still wants to take care of him.

Trying to find a new "normal".

This week, was hard for me to write, again I do not know why. Felix's funeral was Friday and we all went. The girls were pretty good, a little teary, but normal, not more or less than I would expect. Morgan drew a picture of her sad and Felix happy, but both had tears, so I think she is still sad, but she is letting me know she understands on her level. After the funeral we all went out to eat and then drove home. I had (as Bill calls them) a moment and as my husband always does, he held my hand and let me know it was ok.



On a happy note, Bill had a weekend planned with his friends for months to celebrate his old college roomates 40th birthday in New Orleans. He was reluctant to go and leave me, but Morgan had plans to spend the weekend with her little friend and Abbi had a soccer tournament and then had her friend over for pizza and a movie and then she crawled in bed with me and we watched Harry Potter for the 100th time. So it was a good weekend.



Yesterday, I went back to church which was good for me. I almost had a "moment" in church, but then just at that moment, the lady next to me started to sing REALLY loud and really, really off key. It was a new moment and even Abbi was trying not to laugh. It was perfect and a reminder that normal is on the horizon. After church Abbi and I ran to breakfast and next door to the breakfast place was a pottery place and Abbi begged me to go, she wanted to paint something to remind her of Michael. She knows it is difficult for me to argue with that right now. So we went in and looked around and to my surprise, they had these little ornaments that String of Pearls had sent us for Michael. I almost forgot, my daughters had painted Michael's feet and made little footprints on these ornaments. We went home to get the ornaments and took them back to this store us in hopes they would glaze and fire them for us. The nice clerk there was not all that happy about doing it, but Abbi and I both picked out additional pottery to paint and begged her. We explained the situation and I am sure she was scared to do it. Imagine this is the the only print of our sons feet that we have and what if they mess them up. So I do not think they were being mean, I think they were being careful. I tried to assure this woman we understood, so we shall see, I will let you know Wednesday when I go back to pick them up if they did it.



So we are working towards finding a new normal. I am not completely sure what that is, but I think we are doing well. I actually think a lot of things, but what I can say with certainty is that Michael is never far from my thoughts. I miss him and I am grateful for the time I had with him. I am grateful today that I was given the opportunity to make ornaments and get some pictures and to have little footprints. I am grateful that I have an amazing family and incredible friends. I am just so blessed and while I have my "moments" I am still grateful and know how blessed I still am. So hold on, because I am pretty certain God is not finished yet.

A week gone by...

One week ago today Michael was still with me, it is hard to completely grasp that he is gone. Sometimes I feel like we are trying to get back to normal too quickly and I am so afraid he will be forgotten and his story will just end. I had a rough day Sunday when everyone went home. That is when it finally hit me. My sister in law has this sixth sense. My brother and sister in law were out finally celebrating their anniversary - and in the middle, she was thinking of me and texted me right smack dab in the middle of my meltdown. Well that pretty much spilled over into Monday and when the kids went back to school, meltdown number two. That goes to show you can not plan for grief. I am pretty sure yesterday I forgot to brush my teeth, so there you go. Today I promise to brush my teeth.

I got up this morning certain today was going to be a better day. Felix's wife just called and Felix died this morning. I prayed for Felix last night before I went to bed. I prayed he would not suffer anymore. It seems like I am fixated on that theme these days, but the point is, while I feel deflated again, I realized that God answered my prayer. Felix is a man of faith, perhaps stronger than I knew. Prayer is a very strong thing and my husband often has to remind me that God answers our prayers in ways that he knows are best, not in the ways we think we want them answered. This morning I am again struggling with my heart and my head. I know in my head Felix is home, he is not suffering, but my heart hurts for his family. My heart hurts for my girls, they will be sad as they were hoping for a miracle healing for Mr. Felix. I will miss his cheerful messages and his surprise visits and his passion for Nebraska football. He died a week after Michael was born, I never told him Michael was born or that he died. I asked specifically that no one told him as I knew Felix's time here was dwindling and he was such a cheerleader for me during my pregnancy with Michael, I figured, he would know soon enough. Please keep Felix's family in your prayers as they go through this difficult time.

I keep remembering things and I have to write about them so I don't forget. Saturday, I was laying in bed and Morgan came in and jumped in bed with me. She asked me if we could have another baby as she really wanted a baby brother and she really missed Michael. We of course had the we can't replace Michael conversation and then onto the mommy is getting older conversation and then I said, we will have to take some time and see maybe what God has in store for us. Well she was taking this all in and she looked at me very seriously and said, well maybe you could do what you did with Jessica. I sat there for a moment and then I said, what did I do with Jessica? (note to self - do not try to get into an 8 year olds thought process) Morgan responded to me in a sheepish kind of way, you know mommy, you had sex. Of course I am thinking, how exactly does she think she got here, but I said we needed a little time and skirted things a little bit and went to find Bill. I then asked Bill how she thinks she got here and he immediately laughed as he knew exactly what was in her head. He reminded me that we always tell her babies are gifts from God to mommies and daddies and so she figured that because I was not married to Bill when Jessica was born - I must have done something different to get her and since she wanted a baby so badly, perhaps I could just suck it up and have sex rather than wait around to see if God would give us another baby. So there you go, it's not so complicated after all.

Yesterday the girls came home from school and I had sent a note explaining to there teachers that Michael had died as I wanted them to be aware of what was happening. When they get home from school they usually give me a quick synopsis of the day and Abbi took this little monkey with a tiny digital pictures of Michael and the black and white picture of his feet. She showed it to her friends and her teacher let her take a few moments and she was so cute, she was quite the proud big sister. I asked Morgan if she talked about Michael at all and she got a little teary and said, no that it makes her sad to talk about him. I told her that was fine and that she did not have to talk about him if she did not want to. She then asked me when she would be able to talk about him without being sad. I told her that I wasn't sure and that I missed him too, but that it was ok to be sad.

Father Tom, talked about Michael in his homily Sunday. He spoke about the girls choosing his name, and what his name means and the angels they handed out to everyone after Michael was born to represent Michael's spirit. The girls are very proud of there little brother. I love that Michael's life has touched people. His short little life was absolutely meant to be and although I wish he could have been with us longer, Michael is a always going to be part of our family and I have no regrets about carrying Michael. Michael will never experience the things I wanted him to experience, but he has forever changed our lives in many ways. Grief is a process that may never really close, but our lives will continue and we will be happy as we try to find ways to honor his short little life.

I don't think I could ever find adequate words to describe my husband. He has been such a rock through this journey. From the moment we found out, he held me and he promised to be there for me and for the girls. He got them to school and to practices and made sure I was taken care of. We knew the final outcome and as painful as that was, his strength and his faith are so amazing. He gave me permission to grieve and he picked me up and carried me when I felt like I could not go any farther. I am confident that without him I could not make this journey.

Michael's Feet

I think this is one of my favorite pictures. His little feet are so perfect...

Michael's Memorial

Grief is a different animal, it can grab you when you least expect it. It occurred to me this morning, that I buried my son yesterday. I woke up this morning and the physical manifestations of being a new mother are a little cruel. Michael was born less than 4 days ago and I have been so busy, but today, today is a little harder - my body still thinks I have a baby to take care of. The girls really are doing well. Abbi is not in any of the photos with Michael and she is sad about that, but because of the cord accident, he was very blue when he was born and it upsetting to her so we did not push her to stay.



New Years Eve was quiet. I went out to get a dress for the funeral and then realized I was having some blood pressure issues, apparently these can be residual issues for up to 6 weeks, so I ended up in bed for the evening and Bill took the girls to my brother and sister in laws house for dinner. They picked up sparkling grape juice on the way home and we watched Dick Clark in bed and rang in the New Year all together. We had to be up early the next morning for Michael's funeral.

God took our baby back. Michael was always God's and I do realize this, but I still miss him. I miss his soft skin and his sweet little hands and his toes, I loved his toes. He had perfect little ears and little teeny tiny lips and long, long legs. He just looked so sweet and peaceful. I am not going to try to fool myself, this is hard, but I had a long time to prepare, so the element of shock is not as searing. The funeral itself was really nice. My brother sang Ave Maria and that made me cry, but I assure you those were happy tears. Michaels service actually was on a Holy Day. The service was so nice, the girls did well and quite a few of our friends and family made it to the service as well.

After the service a man walked up to Bill and he looked so concerned. He was an older gentleman and he wanted to talk with us. I was not sure what he was going to say and then I realized he didn't want to talk with us, he needed to. He told Bill he had lost his little girl to the same thing Michael had and that he knew what we were going through. He was visibly distraught. He had lost her probably 30 years ago but it appeared so fresh. It occured to me after much thought that when people hear about Michael (or any child with this condition) it probably really does bring all of those memories right back no matter how far away it was. While this may seem sad, as Michael's mother, the one thing I fear is that I will forget things about him (thus the blog) so while my heart hurt for him, I found some hope in remembering Michael. The girls handed out packets of Forget Me Not seeds to be planted in the spring, but my sister in law actually found "Michaels Tree" seeds and gave them to me at the end. I can not beleive she found them. I want to find a very prominent place in my yard for these so I can always look out and see this tree growing. I want to grieve and find a way to live with this and remember without being sad... Those are a few balls to juggle, and although I am sad, I have almost been feeling a little guilty almost because I feel like I did a lot of my grieving before Michael died. I mourned the loss of the son I had envisioned and fell in love with the son God gave us and knew he would eventually take back.