This week, was hard for me to write, again I do not know why. Felix's funeral was Friday and we all went. The girls were pretty good, a little teary, but normal, not more or less than I would expect. Morgan drew a picture of her sad and Felix happy, but both had tears, so I think she is still sad, but she is letting me know she understands on her level. After the funeral we all went out to eat and then drove home. I had (as Bill calls them) a moment and as my husband always does, he held my hand and let me know it was ok.
On a happy note, Bill had a weekend planned with his friends for months to celebrate his old college roomates 40th birthday in New Orleans. He was reluctant to go and leave me, but Morgan had plans to spend the weekend with her little friend and Abbi had a soccer tournament and then had her friend over for pizza and a movie and then she crawled in bed with me and we watched Harry Potter for the 100th time. So it was a good weekend.
Yesterday, I went back to church which was good for me. I almost had a "moment" in church, but then just at that moment, the lady next to me started to sing REALLY loud and really, really off key. It was a new moment and even Abbi was trying not to laugh. It was perfect and a reminder that normal is on the horizon. After church Abbi and I ran to breakfast and next door to the breakfast place was a pottery place and Abbi begged me to go, she wanted to paint something to remind her of Michael. She knows it is difficult for me to argue with that right now. So we went in and looked around and to my surprise, they had these little ornaments that String of Pearls had sent us for Michael. I almost forgot, my daughters had painted Michael's feet and made little footprints on these ornaments. We went home to get the ornaments and took them back to this store us in hopes they would glaze and fire them for us. The nice clerk there was not all that happy about doing it, but Abbi and I both picked out additional pottery to paint and begged her. We explained the situation and I am sure she was scared to do it. Imagine this is the the only print of our sons feet that we have and what if they mess them up. So I do not think they were being mean, I think they were being careful. I tried to assure this woman we understood, so we shall see, I will let you know Wednesday when I go back to pick them up if they did it.
So we are working towards finding a new normal. I am not completely sure what that is, but I think we are doing well. I actually think a lot of things, but what I can say with certainty is that Michael is never far from my thoughts. I miss him and I am grateful for the time I had with him. I am grateful today that I was given the opportunity to make ornaments and get some pictures and to have little footprints. I am grateful that I have an amazing family and incredible friends. I am just so blessed and while I have my "moments" I am still grateful and know how blessed I still am. So hold on, because I am pretty certain God is not finished yet.
Finding the new normal is quite a challenge. It's hard in some respects because not everything has changed - you still have to do laundry and go to the grocery store but at the same time everything has changed. Life has taken a giant unplanned detour and the view is different from here. Nothing is as solid as it used to be. Our lack of control which was always there (but we could pretend with some certainty) is extremely evident now. So now what do you do? You put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts often. Thanks for sharing.
Joan (jayhawkmom)