A week gone by...

One week ago today Michael was still with me, it is hard to completely grasp that he is gone. Sometimes I feel like we are trying to get back to normal too quickly and I am so afraid he will be forgotten and his story will just end. I had a rough day Sunday when everyone went home. That is when it finally hit me. My sister in law has this sixth sense. My brother and sister in law were out finally celebrating their anniversary - and in the middle, she was thinking of me and texted me right smack dab in the middle of my meltdown. Well that pretty much spilled over into Monday and when the kids went back to school, meltdown number two. That goes to show you can not plan for grief. I am pretty sure yesterday I forgot to brush my teeth, so there you go. Today I promise to brush my teeth.

I got up this morning certain today was going to be a better day. Felix's wife just called and Felix died this morning. I prayed for Felix last night before I went to bed. I prayed he would not suffer anymore. It seems like I am fixated on that theme these days, but the point is, while I feel deflated again, I realized that God answered my prayer. Felix is a man of faith, perhaps stronger than I knew. Prayer is a very strong thing and my husband often has to remind me that God answers our prayers in ways that he knows are best, not in the ways we think we want them answered. This morning I am again struggling with my heart and my head. I know in my head Felix is home, he is not suffering, but my heart hurts for his family. My heart hurts for my girls, they will be sad as they were hoping for a miracle healing for Mr. Felix. I will miss his cheerful messages and his surprise visits and his passion for Nebraska football. He died a week after Michael was born, I never told him Michael was born or that he died. I asked specifically that no one told him as I knew Felix's time here was dwindling and he was such a cheerleader for me during my pregnancy with Michael, I figured, he would know soon enough. Please keep Felix's family in your prayers as they go through this difficult time.

I keep remembering things and I have to write about them so I don't forget. Saturday, I was laying in bed and Morgan came in and jumped in bed with me. She asked me if we could have another baby as she really wanted a baby brother and she really missed Michael. We of course had the we can't replace Michael conversation and then onto the mommy is getting older conversation and then I said, we will have to take some time and see maybe what God has in store for us. Well she was taking this all in and she looked at me very seriously and said, well maybe you could do what you did with Jessica. I sat there for a moment and then I said, what did I do with Jessica? (note to self - do not try to get into an 8 year olds thought process) Morgan responded to me in a sheepish kind of way, you know mommy, you had sex. Of course I am thinking, how exactly does she think she got here, but I said we needed a little time and skirted things a little bit and went to find Bill. I then asked Bill how she thinks she got here and he immediately laughed as he knew exactly what was in her head. He reminded me that we always tell her babies are gifts from God to mommies and daddies and so she figured that because I was not married to Bill when Jessica was born - I must have done something different to get her and since she wanted a baby so badly, perhaps I could just suck it up and have sex rather than wait around to see if God would give us another baby. So there you go, it's not so complicated after all.

Yesterday the girls came home from school and I had sent a note explaining to there teachers that Michael had died as I wanted them to be aware of what was happening. When they get home from school they usually give me a quick synopsis of the day and Abbi took this little monkey with a tiny digital pictures of Michael and the black and white picture of his feet. She showed it to her friends and her teacher let her take a few moments and she was so cute, she was quite the proud big sister. I asked Morgan if she talked about Michael at all and she got a little teary and said, no that it makes her sad to talk about him. I told her that was fine and that she did not have to talk about him if she did not want to. She then asked me when she would be able to talk about him without being sad. I told her that I wasn't sure and that I missed him too, but that it was ok to be sad.

Father Tom, talked about Michael in his homily Sunday. He spoke about the girls choosing his name, and what his name means and the angels they handed out to everyone after Michael was born to represent Michael's spirit. The girls are very proud of there little brother. I love that Michael's life has touched people. His short little life was absolutely meant to be and although I wish he could have been with us longer, Michael is a always going to be part of our family and I have no regrets about carrying Michael. Michael will never experience the things I wanted him to experience, but he has forever changed our lives in many ways. Grief is a process that may never really close, but our lives will continue and we will be happy as we try to find ways to honor his short little life.

I don't think I could ever find adequate words to describe my husband. He has been such a rock through this journey. From the moment we found out, he held me and he promised to be there for me and for the girls. He got them to school and to practices and made sure I was taken care of. We knew the final outcome and as painful as that was, his strength and his faith are so amazing. He gave me permission to grieve and he picked me up and carried me when I felt like I could not go any farther. I am confident that without him I could not make this journey.