Grief is a different animal, it can grab you when you least expect it. It occurred to me this morning, that I buried my son yesterday. I woke up this morning and the physical manifestations of being a new mother are a little cruel. Michael was born less than 4 days ago and I have been so busy, but today, today is a little harder - my body still thinks I have a baby to take care of. The girls really are doing well. Abbi is not in any of the photos with Michael and she is sad about that, but because of the cord accident, he was very blue when he was born and it upsetting to her so we did not push her to stay.
New Years Eve was quiet. I went out to get a dress for the funeral and then realized I was having some blood pressure issues, apparently these can be residual issues for up to 6 weeks, so I ended up in bed for the evening and Bill took the girls to my brother and sister in laws house for dinner. They picked up sparkling grape juice on the way home and we watched Dick Clark in bed and rang in the New Year all together. We had to be up early the next morning for Michael's funeral.
God took our baby back. Michael was always God's and I do realize this, but I still miss him. I miss his soft skin and his sweet little hands and his toes, I loved his toes. He had perfect little ears and little teeny tiny lips and long, long legs. He just looked so sweet and peaceful. I am not going to try to fool myself, this is hard, but I had a long time to prepare, so the element of shock is not as searing. The funeral itself was really nice. My brother sang Ave Maria and that made me cry, but I assure you those were happy tears. Michaels service actually was on a Holy Day. The service was so nice, the girls did well and quite a few of our friends and family made it to the service as well.
After the service a man walked up to Bill and he looked so concerned. He was an older gentleman and he wanted to talk with us. I was not sure what he was going to say and then I realized he didn't want to talk with us, he needed to. He told Bill he had lost his little girl to the same thing Michael had and that he knew what we were going through. He was visibly distraught. He had lost her probably 30 years ago but it appeared so fresh. It occured to me after much thought that when people hear about Michael (or any child with this condition) it probably really does bring all of those memories right back no matter how far away it was. While this may seem sad, as Michael's mother, the one thing I fear is that I will forget things about him (thus the blog) so while my heart hurt for him, I found some hope in remembering Michael. The girls handed out packets of Forget Me Not seeds to be planted in the spring, but my sister in law actually found "Michaels Tree" seeds and gave them to me at the end. I can not beleive she found them. I want to find a very prominent place in my yard for these so I can always look out and see this tree growing. I want to grieve and find a way to live with this and remember without being sad... Those are a few balls to juggle, and although I am sad, I have almost been feeling a little guilty almost because I feel like I did a lot of my grieving before Michael died. I mourned the loss of the son I had envisioned and fell in love with the son God gave us and knew he would eventually take back.
New Years Eve was quiet. I went out to get a dress for the funeral and then realized I was having some blood pressure issues, apparently these can be residual issues for up to 6 weeks, so I ended up in bed for the evening and Bill took the girls to my brother and sister in laws house for dinner. They picked up sparkling grape juice on the way home and we watched Dick Clark in bed and rang in the New Year all together. We had to be up early the next morning for Michael's funeral.
God took our baby back. Michael was always God's and I do realize this, but I still miss him. I miss his soft skin and his sweet little hands and his toes, I loved his toes. He had perfect little ears and little teeny tiny lips and long, long legs. He just looked so sweet and peaceful. I am not going to try to fool myself, this is hard, but I had a long time to prepare, so the element of shock is not as searing. The funeral itself was really nice. My brother sang Ave Maria and that made me cry, but I assure you those were happy tears. Michaels service actually was on a Holy Day. The service was so nice, the girls did well and quite a few of our friends and family made it to the service as well.
After the service a man walked up to Bill and he looked so concerned. He was an older gentleman and he wanted to talk with us. I was not sure what he was going to say and then I realized he didn't want to talk with us, he needed to. He told Bill he had lost his little girl to the same thing Michael had and that he knew what we were going through. He was visibly distraught. He had lost her probably 30 years ago but it appeared so fresh. It occured to me after much thought that when people hear about Michael (or any child with this condition) it probably really does bring all of those memories right back no matter how far away it was. While this may seem sad, as Michael's mother, the one thing I fear is that I will forget things about him (thus the blog) so while my heart hurt for him, I found some hope in remembering Michael. The girls handed out packets of Forget Me Not seeds to be planted in the spring, but my sister in law actually found "Michaels Tree" seeds and gave them to me at the end. I can not beleive she found them. I want to find a very prominent place in my yard for these so I can always look out and see this tree growing. I want to grieve and find a way to live with this and remember without being sad... Those are a few balls to juggle, and although I am sad, I have almost been feeling a little guilty almost because I feel like I did a lot of my grieving before Michael died. I mourned the loss of the son I had envisioned and fell in love with the son God gave us and knew he would eventually take back.
(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI am at a loss for words. I cannot imagine how hard this journey has been for you, your family and your friends.
Michael will never be forgotten.
Jo, I clicked on the photo from the memorial service. He is beautiful - he looks just like Bill (although I do see some Stevens too). :)
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are going to have those seeds for Michael's Tree to plant - they can go with you wherever you go and he will always be with you. Give hugs to yourself from me. Love you xoxo
(((HUGS))) Jodi
ReplyDeleteI know there is nothing I can say that would lessen your grief though I wish I could. Here is a poem that is very dear to me and the word have given me comfort I hope they do the same for you:
I will lend you, for a little time,
A child of mine, He said.
For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief.
You'll have his lovely memories,
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over,
In search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain.
Nor hate me when I come
To take him home again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'
For all the joys Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him,
Much sooner than we've planned.
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
And try to understand.
From The Book LIVING THE YEARS 1949
Please know that Michael will never be forgotten or how much you and your family loved him.
Love Carly (feb EC & over 40)
I am so sad for your sorrow. i just know that God does not give us more than we can take, but that can be questioned. I am a mother of four wonderful children. I had four miscarriages. I worked hard for my babies. The pain was worth the joy. Sister Susan and i have known each other for a long time. I am here. I celebrate Michael, and your love, your pain, and your faith. Keep a good focus and know you are not alone. Michael will live within us since God had a bigger plan than we could know. love Mary marylinden77@hotmail.com
ReplyDeleteJodi,
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I do know what you're going through. Welcome to the saddest club in the world. I can only offer my sincerest condolences and tell you how sorry I am that you don't have Michael in your arms right now. You never get over it, but it does get better. It does. As hard as it is to beleive, there will come a time when you will think about Michael and smile instead of cry. Thank you for sharing Michael with us.
Joan (jayhawkmom08 - ivillage_
Michael is so very cute in the photos and he has so much hair! I especially love the one of his feet. I'm thinking about you and sending prayers.
ReplyDeleteShelli
Your story has touched my heart...I know there is nothing I can say to make the pain go away or lessen your grief. Take your time, be at peace and know you have been the best mother to him through this whole process. Your faith is amazing and gives me an appreciation everything that I have. My prayers continue to be with you and your family
ReplyDeleteJodi - I came across your blog and had to write. I know what you're going through in the loss of your little boy. We too lost our baby boy in April '08 due to placenta accreta. To this day it's still hard to talk about without tears. The song is beautiful. I'm not able to get through your blog but have it marked as a favorite to go back to.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you and your family. Feel free to write if you need someone to talk to, vent to, cry with.
Gayle agsmithus@yahoo.com