Heaven couldn't wait

"There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

I need to write, but I would be less than honest to not admit feeling let down and defeated. I miss Michael. Michael was perfectly made. Let me see if I can do this. Bill and Jessica and I got up early to go to the hospital. Around 7:30 am my doctor popped in to say hello and decided to wait until after she had done a c-section to start the induction. I had the same nurse I had previously while I was in the hospital and I was so excited about that as she is just so comforting and I already knew her. Around 9:30 my doctor came back in and did a quick ultrasound and Michael was still head down and his heart looked good so the induction began. My contractions were fairly constant, but I did not progress very quickly, so they started additional pitocin around lunchtime. Around 5:30 my Dr. came back in to check on me and broke my water. There was unfortunately a lot more fluid than we all expected and the excess fluid came out with such force that it likely caused Michael to spin a bit and he managed to get caught up in his umbilical cord and the placenta also pulled away a bit. I quit feeling him move after my water broke and in my heart I was afraid he was already gone. After 9 pm I felt him coming and he was delivered at 9:35 pm with Bill and Jessica watching and he came out still. He looked just like his daddy, he had his nose, he was perfect...he did get my toes. We got a lot of pictures and little feet prints and hand prints and I held him for hours. After everyone left, Bill and I said our goodbyes and the funeral home came to take him, that is hopefully the most painful experience of my entire life. It literally took my breath away. Handing him over and knowing you will not see him again in this lifetime. Kissing his little forehead and wishing so many things... I couldn't actually do it, Bill had to hand his baby, his son, to a funeral director in the middle of the night. We do know that God answered our prayers and feel a peace. I have my moments right now, but we prayed that Michael would not suffer, and that Gods will be done, not ours, so I have to believe His plan is better than mine. Our nurse had the day off and came by to see us and I think God knew what he was doing by having her stop by, because she was so sweet, she told us she knew we wanted to meet him, but how difficult it was for her personally see these babies try to take a breath - so God did answer our prayers. I love Michael so much and the vortex of emotions and hormones won't allow my head and my heart to all be on the same page just yet. I miss his little feet up in my ribs and his little fingers pushing on everything. I want to hold him and rock him and I will always miss him and I have to learn to adjust and live with that. I do not regret carrying him, I only wish I still was, because that was something I could do for him. I know life continues, but it is difficult to imagine my life without any one of my children.

Dear Micheal,

When we found out we were having another baby, we were so excited. I was cautious in getting too excited because I never wanted to lose you. We know that you served a purpose here. We know that God wanted you and that you are God's servant and that we are so blessed to be your parents. You were created in God's image and your short perfect life taught us so much. God knew what he was doing when he chose us to be your family. We love you unconditionally. Michael, you were made by God and kept by God. Your name is fitting, it means "Who is like God." Our doctor actually told us this as she handed you to me. Your sisters named you after an angel and that seems so fitting as you are our own little angel now. Happy Birthday baby, you will always be remembered as you have left your imprint on this world and you are so loved.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Jessica, Abbi and Morgan

Thank you for all of your prayers, they worked! Michael made it and we are the proud parents of a little boy! Please keep praying as we are on our way to the funeral home today and Michaels memorial service is in the morning on New Years Day! He is so special.