The kids just left for school and Bill has a hearing in Pensacola which is about an hour away, so it is very quiet right now. We are expecting some kind of winter storm today, southern style, so no snow, but, cold, wet and windy, generally yuck. I just brought the dogs outside and since I can not walk them, they punish me by ignoring me and who could blame them, they are dogs and I am supposed to play with them and I am obviously NOT doing my job.
Well here is a little rant, I just called my doctors office and they hung up on me three times before they finally answered and then when I asked them if I should take my test directly to them or the hospital, the nurse acted like I was bothering her. Perhaps I am a little sensitive, but it has been a little frustrating with that office. I do not call them very often, I can actually count on one hand the number of times I have called. When I do call, I always have trouble getting them to call back. The first time I was in the hospital, I ended up with a $6000 hospital bill that could have been avoided, but no one would call us back. I called on a Wednesday at 8:00 am and left messages and called back multiple times and finally at 5:00 pm we had to go to the emergency room. This visit was because of the flu and I could not keep anything down. I ended up getting fluids via I.V., but a simple script probably would have prevented the whole dehydration thing. It may be my doctors staff, but it is hard to have this kind of diagnosis and well I MAY be a little hyper sensitive : ). I thought initially it was our circumstances and it would not matter who it was, but my husband really likes the high risk doctors and the staff. It is a completely different feeling when we go to these different doctors, I have to agree. The high risk office answers the phone, calls us back, the genetic counselor actually gave us her cell phone just in case, she set up hospice, just really above and beyond. The ultrasound tech gave us extra pictures and called him by name. Maybe it is because they deal with these outcomes on a regular basis. I also think my regular doctor and her office compare me to this incredible woman that just gave birth to a trisomy 13 baby about 2 months ago. She is absolutely an amazing woman. She had a very high profile pregnancy. Newspapers and a public blog (my husband has not even read mine) and I am glad she did, it is very helpful to me as well, but I am not her and although our outcome is the same, our circumstances are different. Polyhydramnious, bed rest, high blood pressure... I just have a few additional issues and feel like I failed a little by not carrying him as long. Michael is also breech and I am measuring about 5 weeks further along than I am because of the fluid and he is measuring 2 weeks behind.
My oldest daughter asked me what was I going to do after Michael was born. That is a very good question. Do I have to answer that one, or can I have a get out of jail free card for now? I don't know when I will be ready to return to reality, but I know enough to not have expectations. I know I do not want any medication to dull the pain. I know I need to deal with my grief somehow and I know I need to help my girls deal with their feelings as well. I know my husband is broken hearted and he will deal with it completely different than we will. I know my brother and sister in law, have to go through this process and I know our parents will too. It is raw on so many levels because it reminds each one of us that death is very much a part of life. It reminds us how precious our children are. It reminds us how important our siblings are. It reminds us of how grief can be debilitating.
So today, my husband ran my 24 hour urine test to the hospital, my sister in law took Morgan to dance, came back, took me to the hospital outpatient lab for blood work then, made us dinner, my husband came back to the hospital after picking Morgan up from dance and we went to get soup before going back home. Meanwhile, my sister in law has 2 small children and Bill runs a law practice so wow! I can't thank them enough, they are not even complaining. We stopped briefly at the pharmacy on the way home and I walked in with Morgan and a very nice lady asked me when I was due. Morgan looked up at me with a scared look upon her face. I answered her. I answered her and smiled AND I did not cry. I knew what Morgan was feeling though. That feeling of are we being honest? Of course we are. I am pregnant, it is a boy and I am due in a few months. Can you imagine being nice, asking a very pregnant woman an innocent question and she launches into a sad story or worse she cries? Ummm no, see I am getting better, I think.
Michael woke me up with some serious kicks last night and I tried to savor every moment and then as I laid there everything kind of hit me. After each one of my children were born I remember thinking how perfect they were. I remember knowing that absolute unconditional love. I also remember holding them and watching them fall asleep in my arms and knowing exactly how they moved inside me based on all the little stretches they made. Morgan asked me tonight if she could hold Michael when he is born. I had a moment. You know that kind of moment, when you try really hard to answer and not cry. I told her that it was going to be very difficult for Michael to live through labor. She asked again why God wants him back and Abbi told her God loves him so much that he needs him back and then Morgan cried. She then asked me again if she could hold him and I told her of course you can. I told her he will be very tiny. I then told her that he cold hear her and feel her when she touches my belly. She loves to talk to him and they both kiss my belly goodnight when they go to bed and goodbye in the morning when they go to school. I feel so big (and look pretty big too) so I keep reminding them how tiny he really is...
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