Friday night my brother and sister in law took us out to eat to celebrate an award my husband is receiving and I got to sit next to my nephew, remember that he is 4. I love 4 - it's still very honest and so innocent and really funny. Keep in mind, he has seen me multiple times since Michael was born and his parents of course have talked with him about Michael. Anyways, we are talking about his dinosaur he brought to dinner and we are discussing the things his dinosaur eats (like paper - of course) and then he stops mid-sentence looks at me and says, "Did you have baby Michael yet?" I said yes I did and then he asks, well what did you do with him? So, I told him that Michael died and he was in heaven now (hoping he wasn't literally asking). Morgan was sitting on the other side of him and she added that he was born into heaven and he seemed ok with that. I asked him if he was ok with that and he assured me that he was. It was very sweet and it occurred to me later that he knew all of the answers to his questions before he asked them. I wasn't answering some delicate question, I was more than likely being tested by my sweet nephew to see how I would react. I have noticed this with my children as well. Michael is never very far from my thoughts. Of course, I would rather still have him and sometimes when the girls ask hard questions, like why did God give us a baby we can't keep? Those same questions creep into my head as well. I know they are normal questions, I just hope I can answer them in a way that makes some sense.

Bill and I were discussing this Psalm last night.

Psalm 138:8

The Lord will fullfill His purpose for me; your love O Lord endures forever

- do not abandon the works of your hands.

It does seem so fitting right now. Michael's life has been such a blessing in my life, no matter how brief.

So earlier, while I was doing Morgan's hair, she asked me if Michael was back yet...well, that was one of those dreaded triggers that causes my turtle like charm. I told her maybe, but that I was not prepared for that yet. Bill and Abbi walked in at that moment so she asked him. She was not upset, she just wanted to make sure we told her. So Bill said he was not sure if I was ready for that and Abbi is a lot like me in that sense so she looked at me with knowing eyes. Bill told Morgan that he had Michael and she really, really wanted to hold the urn, so he went into his closet (he has a big walk in closet with a safe so they went in there together) and I peaked around the corner and Abbi was on the floor peering through a crack in the door and that was my que, I knew at that moment she really wanted to see the urn. Really, once I knew Bill had the urn, I had some sense of peace that I did not expect. So I walked around the corner and opened his door and told him I was ready. So we all held this super teeny tiny heavy marble box with Michael's ashes I teared up for a moment and then we all kept going. The rest of the day was "moment free". Morgan is my talker (you have probably figured that out), but she asks A LOT of questions and they usually make me laugh, but sometimes they make me think, She asked me if it was ok to be sad or if it was ok to not be sad and I told her both. I told her that I was sad sometimes, but that I did not want to be sad too much because I know Michael does not want us to be sad and that I did not want them to be sad either. I told her that I knew I was blessed and she liked that.