Happy Mothers Day!

and it was...  I know I post less frequently as I do have a new blog I am posting on fairly regularly, but it is not so personal.  It is "Little Things Along the Emerald Coast" and I am doing this primarily to capture my family and how pretty it is where we live, so if you are still reading and you get a moment please pop over there and I would love it if you would follow because I am fairly sure my husband thinks I have  lost my mind...  Sometimes he is occasionally right, but it is fun anyways. 

Now out of my three girls obviously the oldest, is in graduate school and understands more than anyone and the 2 younger ones though, it is still painful, but they talk with me and Morgan my youngest (that is still kind of strange - because I feel like Michael is the youngest, but you get the point) always says Michael sends her signs and they are in the form of a heart (because he had a problem with his heart).  I think this is very sweet.  Last night at dinner, she found a heart : ), she finds heart shaped rocks ALL the time and leaves, you name it.  I have to say, she is either more observant or right, but regardless I love that she feels this connection.

This was her strawberry at dinner.

A leaf she found in the rain forest in Peurto Rico...

Another leaf she found...

Now I can not get Morgan's personality across very well, but she is extremely persistent and these are just three photos - IF I had my camera with me on many other heart conquests I could literally fill this page up, I love it.  I also got a lot of pots full of forget me nots, many hearts and one with M for Michael all over it and they took me fishing which was so pretty.  I will post pictures of that on my other blog : )

On a sad note another baby has been lost to Trisomy 18.  Morgan brought me home a hand written story I will attempt to tell.  This little guys name was Joshua and Joshua's sister is in Morgans classroom.  Same teacher, so sad and bizarre.  2 - Trisomy 18 babies lost to two little girls baby brothers in the same year, same class and same teacher.  Most Trisomy 18 babies are girls so it is even more coincidental.

Here it goes ~ I am spelling the way she does as well :

5-4-10

Dear mommy,

Today Bethany came back with pictures of her brother his name Joshua.  She showed them Mrs. Carroll, I asked if I could see them she said yes.  I said that looks like my brother.  Mrs. Carroll asked if I got to hold Micheal like Bethany held her brother. I said yes, Mrs. Carroll said that's a special moment.  Then we went back to our seats.  Sense she sits close to me I asked her if she knew what the disease was called? She said full trisomy 18.  I said thats exactly what my little brother had.  She asked what his name was?  I said Micheal.  Then I asked what her brothers name was she said Joshua.  She also said her mom is still sad.  She also said they got model magic and ink to make footprints and handprints Model magic to make foot presses. Ink to make prints.  She also had an ornament.  I asked if she got it from string of pearls she said no she got it from the store. the end.

5-4-10 (I found this in her back pack)

Today is a very good day.  Even though I heard about Bethany Cause I know I'm not the only one who had it happen to there little brother at least not the only one I know.  I also finished an art project in art class. We had sloppy joes at lunch they were yummy.  Are you glad you got to hear about the booms on the radio this morning. Did you have a good lunch with meme? Did you see the booms yet? the end

Apparently she has a lot going on in her little head - trisomy 18, the oil spill and sloppy joes : ) I love my children.  Please pray for Joshua and his family, it is so hard those first few months especially.

Michael's Memorial

Grief is a different animal, it can grab you when you least expect it. It occurred to me this morning, that I buried my son yesterday. I woke up this morning and the physical manifestations of being a new mother are a little cruel. Michael was born less than 4 days ago and I have been so busy, but today, today is a little harder - my body still thinks I have a baby to take care of. The girls really are doing well. Abbi is not in any of the photos with Michael and she is sad about that, but because of the cord accident, he was very blue when he was born and it upsetting to her so we did not push her to stay.



New Years Eve was quiet. I went out to get a dress for the funeral and then realized I was having some blood pressure issues, apparently these can be residual issues for up to 6 weeks, so I ended up in bed for the evening and Bill took the girls to my brother and sister in laws house for dinner. They picked up sparkling grape juice on the way home and we watched Dick Clark in bed and rang in the New Year all together. We had to be up early the next morning for Michael's funeral.

God took our baby back. Michael was always God's and I do realize this, but I still miss him. I miss his soft skin and his sweet little hands and his toes, I loved his toes. He had perfect little ears and little teeny tiny lips and long, long legs. He just looked so sweet and peaceful. I am not going to try to fool myself, this is hard, but I had a long time to prepare, so the element of shock is not as searing. The funeral itself was really nice. My brother sang Ave Maria and that made me cry, but I assure you those were happy tears. Michaels service actually was on a Holy Day. The service was so nice, the girls did well and quite a few of our friends and family made it to the service as well.

After the service a man walked up to Bill and he looked so concerned. He was an older gentleman and he wanted to talk with us. I was not sure what he was going to say and then I realized he didn't want to talk with us, he needed to. He told Bill he had lost his little girl to the same thing Michael had and that he knew what we were going through. He was visibly distraught. He had lost her probably 30 years ago but it appeared so fresh. It occured to me after much thought that when people hear about Michael (or any child with this condition) it probably really does bring all of those memories right back no matter how far away it was. While this may seem sad, as Michael's mother, the one thing I fear is that I will forget things about him (thus the blog) so while my heart hurt for him, I found some hope in remembering Michael. The girls handed out packets of Forget Me Not seeds to be planted in the spring, but my sister in law actually found "Michaels Tree" seeds and gave them to me at the end. I can not beleive she found them. I want to find a very prominent place in my yard for these so I can always look out and see this tree growing. I want to grieve and find a way to live with this and remember without being sad... Those are a few balls to juggle, and although I am sad, I have almost been feeling a little guilty almost because I feel like I did a lot of my grieving before Michael died. I mourned the loss of the son I had envisioned and fell in love with the son God gave us and knew he would eventually take back.

The Blood Pressure Police

Ok, so I have to admit, my nerves were a bit shot going in. They put that cuff on my arm and it started to tighten and then it stopped and started again and I started thinking - Oh no, no, no, don't go up, don't go up and well, the entire office cheered. It was not great, but it was "acceptable" 137/87 which is still bedrest, but my brain gets to remain inside my head for now. Michaels heart rate is still in the 150's, nice and strong, he is not showing signs of distress.

I am thankful for this and thank you all for your prayers as I am learning. Today I prayed that I will know and appreciate God's timing as I know it is perfect, but I also know I am not, so whatever time we have with Michael, pray we appreciate it, because I know now more than ever, I can not get any one of these moments back.

Oh and just one more little thing - I am measuring bigger than I should. I am, not him. I already knew that, but the good news is they did not stick any needles into me to drain it...yet and I actually got bigger AND lost weight. The bad news is the excess fluid causes me to have contractions (yuck!) but they seem to be more irritating than anything.

99 Balloons

I have watched this a few times and every time I see it I cry because I know, I know that I love this child already. Knowing his prognosis and knowing what is to come does not really actually make this any easier. The only thing that is probably different is I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and I am not out buying baby things or preparing the nursery - because I know that if he does come home he will be in my arms until he is ready to go and I am grieving instead of celebrating - so in reality perhaps the amnio was not the best thing we did. We did it to prepare, not for us, but for him, to find a good doctor, to figure out where to deliver. This is just not something I ever even considered as a possible prognosis - after all even given my age, our odds were 1 in maybe 5000 after our blood work, how did this happen? Why even do the triple screen?