On the night you were born...

So it has been awhile - actually I have written several times, but none have ever seemed worthy of posting.  I suppose I semi retired Michael's blog. Weird I know, but today I feel like it is the day to post.  Every year we light fireworks or set off a lantern and perform some small RAOK (random act of kindness) - it's a fun way to remember his birth and as a babyloss mother, it's really all I can do, that is one of the hard parts - there's no one to take care of, nothing to take care of, so this is something we can do and it makes someone else happy too...

Watching Michael's lantern float away

Super Wyatt - Michael's little brother, our suprise rainbow "pot of gold"

Amazing Destin Sunset - just for tour 4th Heavenly Birthday

Dear Michael,

today would have been your fourth birthday.  I imagine you healthy and whole as I know you now are.  I do have a few regrets and I would be lying to say I have not struggled. Some things were certainly predictable - disappointment, anger, guilt, sadness - I am confident that I have experienced them all and 4 years later - I need to write this because maybe, just maybe this may help someone who needs it and maybe that someone is me...

There are many things I have learned over the years, one is I have a tremendous amount of guilt that I have carried around, for a long time.  The logical side of me knows I did everything I could and made choices based on what was happening with you and myself, but the mother in me still wonders - what if... what if I had insisted on a c-section, insisted on an amnio reduction, what if I had found some of these awesome internet based support groups sooner, would I have been a stronger advocate? Maybe, but maybe the result would be the same and regardless as I watch in awe of these amazing mothers and fathers struggle with their special needs children, would I have been strong enough to handle taking care of you? Living in constant fear of everything, from feeding tubes to breathing tubes, I don't know, but I can say that I wish I had the chance.  I wish I could have held you a little bit longer and little closer.

I remember the day and the moment you were born as if it were yesterday - the deafening silence of your birth, no crying, no celebration, no first anything.  I still think of you daily, but especially on Holidays, you are always missing, you were not nor could you ever be replaced and you will always be missed.

Being a mother to an angel is a tough job.  Not the toughest, but it is pretty rough.  I have a responsibility to my family to be happy and I can honestly say that having lost you made me realize how blessed I am to have your older sisters and little brothers.  I never imagined that this could ever happen to me - never.  It did, and although I realize it did for a reason, what kind of crap reason could that be??? I have met some amazing people along the way, some people that have also gone through this and quite a few that I didn't even realize our sad bond, but I realize now that I am nowhere near alone.  I wish I were, but this happens too often..  The internet is a powerful tool in allowing families to share and to heal and for this I am also thankful.

Your little brothers know about you and they speak about you being in heaven often (well Trey does, Wyatt doesn't say anything yet).  I keep your ashes in a special private spot - I am pretty protective of your memory and I try as best as I can to make sure you are not forgotten.  In time we will all be forgotten, but while I am still here, I will make sure I speak your name and preserve your memory.  You are part of a big crazy family and in time you will see us all.

I wish I dreamt of you more, but know that I am happy and although I miss you, I will always be thankful for every moment and I will always take this day to remember happy things.  Your kicks.  Your pouty little lips. Your long skinny legs. Your dark thick hair. Your perfect little toes. Your soft baby skin. Your tiny little perfect fingers and your baby button nose.  For this I am thankful, for NILMDTS I am thankful. Time does not heal all wounds, but it does add clarity.   I will always occasionally shed a tear - I think that is ok.

Love,
Mommy