The Memory Keeper

I got this amazing necklace from the String of Pearls Saturday night - right before Valentines day. I love it and want to share it with you. I love pearls as they are somewhat symbolic for me anyways. They are a symbol that God can take something seemingly imperfect and turn it into perfection. Thank you Laura!!!

I have been contemplating the fact that I have not been posting much and it occurred to me this morning why I have not been posting. I know people do not like to be around people that are sad. I think for me when I post, when I blog, it usually a means to express my thoughts and often my grief. So perhaps admitting I am still grieving is just hard. I don't like to be around sad me. This is exactly why I need to continue. Michael has been gone less than 2 months.

I am not a big believer in coincidence, so stay with me here because this is a bit of a mental exercise/journey. I am not alone, and I feel it today, and I feel comfort in this part of my journey.

I love hot tea, so Sunday night I ran over to the Starbucks inside Barnes and Noble and got a tea. I was meandering around waiting for Abbi and Morgan to go potty... I picked up a book. Not really a big surprise as I am inside a book store. I have been reading a few books lately, but no stories. So, the book I picked up was The Memory Keepers Daughter. I read the back and it was about a mother giving birth to twins and one has downs and that was all I saw. I did not look very close in fact I put it back down and for some reason I picked it back up and told Bill I was going to get this book because I wanted to read a story - instead of reflecting. My reasoning for this being, I love getting lost in a story and I wanted to get away from my "self help" books about grief for a little while. So I went home and put it on my night stand. Monday the girls were home from school, Tuesday I had catching up with work from the office and Wednesday I had class all day and then who knows soccer, cleaning, feeding turtles, guinea pigs and dogs... After the girls went to bed, I picked up the book and started reading. Pretty good book - but coincidentally, it is about a mothers journey grieving the death of her daughter, because the mother thinks her daughter died at birth. She did not die, but the mother thinks she died. I am only probably 1/4th of the way into the book, but earlier in the day, the girls were teasing each other on the way to softball practice (this happens constantly right now) and Abbi was telling Morgan she had travelled to more places than she had. I really was just listening and then I figured out what she was talking about. I travelled quite a bit early on in my pregnancy with Abbi. I went to the Bahamas, Ireland, England, Scotland and Wales. Morgan was very upset by this and it made me smile at such silliness, but it also made me reflect a little on Michael. We had many quiet days where I would talk to him and just watch him kick and squirm, but in this book - there were 2 parts in particular that stuck, so far - one is the mother is talking about her belly and wondering if her baby can see light permeating through her skin as babies are supposedly able to towards the end of a pregnancy. I thought about laying in bed with my belly exposed and I often wondered the same thing. There is also a point in the book where they are moving from the house the mother was pregnant in and she is struggling with the thought of moving because the house they are moving from is the only connection she has to her daughter. She thinks her daughter was born still and the point of this is how comforting this is as it is a reminder of how very much alive Michael was inside of me. I am happy I was able to celebrate his life in the way we did. I feel very blessed to have been on bedrest, to have had that time to be quiet and alone with him.