Michael's tree

I have had this orchid plant for a few years and although I managed to keep it alive, I could not figure out how to make it bloom but it grew and grew. About a month ago right about the same time we found out we were having a boy it bloomed the most beautiful bloom. 5 flowers and for some reason I could not shake the significance of 5 blooms. Five blooms, one for each one of us, but there should have been 6. About the same time I got Michaels diagnosis, the orchid died. It just died after all that time almost overnight. There are a few green leaves left but it is most definitely almost gone.



My 7 year old brought me this really pretty white flower home the other day and we put it in a little vase. She told me she brought it for me since Michael is a boy she thought white was the right color since she could not find a blue one. How sweet I thought. The next morning we woke up and overnight the flower turned pink. It was really amazing and a few days later she brought me another one and well the same thing happened. The next day she came to me and said, "mommy I know why it changed, it turns beautiful right before it dies". I had noticed this tree full of these blooms and we have lived here for a few years ~ how could I have not noticed this before??? It is full of white flowers with a few pink ones, really very pretty. Today as I was driving home the entire tree is pink and although it is very pretty, my heart stopped for a moment. I keep looking at those 3-D ultrasounds and he looks so perfect, maybe he is like the tree? I have to plant a tree for him, it has to be that tree, it is a Michael tree.

Is there an escape route

I can't imagine going through this ~ still. The hardest part right now is I can not escape. While I know this touches my entire family, they can talk to random people and those people will not know about Michael ~ when you see me there is no mistaking I am pregnant and well it's human nature (myself included) to celebrate a baby. I love him, obviously, but I do not know how to celebrate this little guy without greiving yet... I question my strength as I feel the need to find joy, but I am just not there...yet?

Today has been a hard day for some reason - I feel so sad. My sweet neighbor (whom is very excited for us) stopped me on my way out to see how everything is coming along, how the girls are doing, how I am feeling - all normal and nice questions and obviously she knows nothing about what is going on and I said "fine", thanks for asking, the girls are excited. All true and yet, it tore me apart. Then I get home and in the mail today are 2 sympathy cards for my baby that is still inside me kicking and a little teddy bear for his bassinet. I love the sweet gestures and peoples kind thoughts but I feel broken today. My husband knows I am sad and yet today he said to me, "I don't have the luxury of lying around all day like you do" I do not want this luxury. I am sad and my head hurts. I am pregnant and feel like I have failed my innocent son. Old crusty eggs apparentlly & I can not fix him. He is with me every moment of every day and I am broken. Today I want to make it stop and yet to make it stop would mean he is no longer part of our life. This is just not fair. I understand life is not fair, but this is my child and somehow every day that goes by produces more fears, anxiety, depression you name it - I am simply broken hearted today and I feel weak. I read all of these womens blogs and they are so strong and celebrate every day with their unborn children and everyday I dread the inevitable or what if he makes it and he has tubes coming out of everywhere, what if he is suffering, what if he dies before he is born, what if he doesn't. I know in my head this is just a sad day and tomorrow is a new day with new feelings. Ewwww not certain I am up for anymore feelings, yuck!!!

He is not as active today

I am concerned, it seems like Michael is less active since last night. I spoke with my parents last night for the first time about his condition and I know in my heart I had to do that before I could really wrap myself around what is happening. If this was a normal pregnancy I would chalk it up to a shift in his position, but now I worry he is getting tired. My blood pressure fluctuates enough that I am a little nervous. It was 136/96 last night and I do not normally have high blood pressure. We keep thinking it has to do with stress. I did have eclampsia with my last baby and it got pretty dangerous so I am being cautious, perhaps paranoid?

The dreaded phone call...

Yes she called... Not the worst - not the best - but really what is best??? It is not the carrier kind, but it not the Mosaic kind either, it is the full trisomy 18 which is the grim most lethal kind, but also the fluke probably would not ever happen again and well now we keep going and hope for the best. Whatever that is??? I am afraid of the unknown and this is unchartered territory for us. I hate being so sad, it is not good for my family. Right now he is doing jumpimg jacks on my bladder.

One week later

One week and I have learned so much about Trisomy 18 - more than I really ever wanted to know.

The genetic counselor should call sometime today to give us the final results on the type of Trisomy he has. It is either full, translocation or mosaic. Mosaic has the possibility of having fewer problems, translocation means we are carriers and it is the least likely and full trisomy 18 is the most common. I am not sure I can hear her voice again without feeling ill and she is kind and calm but it is just really upsetting to me my doctor would not feel like talking with me and then just keeping my regular appointment as if this is no big deal. This falls in the pretty big deal department for me.


I have been waiting for about a year for a big contract of mine to close and today after over a year, I got word it is closing this week and somehow I do not feel much like celebrating.

99 Balloons

I have watched this a few times and every time I see it I cry because I know, I know that I love this child already. Knowing his prognosis and knowing what is to come does not really actually make this any easier. The only thing that is probably different is I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and I am not out buying baby things or preparing the nursery - because I know that if he does come home he will be in my arms until he is ready to go and I am grieving instead of celebrating - so in reality perhaps the amnio was not the best thing we did. We did it to prepare, not for us, but for him, to find a good doctor, to figure out where to deliver. This is just not something I ever even considered as a possible prognosis - after all even given my age, our odds were 1 in maybe 5000 after our blood work, how did this happen? Why even do the triple screen?

I don't like my shoes

So many times I have said out loud, when I have heard about a mother losing a child at birth or finding out that someone had a fatal prenatal diagnosis - "I just don't think I could ever handle that..." I should have said, "I could not handle that." Maybe if I had been more definitive, a little clearer, perhaps I would not be wearing these shoes, because I sure do not like them. They are painful and awkward, yet I have to wear them and somehow I know that I will never take them off ~ I will forever be changed because no matter what ~ even if I had the ability to take them off early, my feet would still hurt ~ somehow removing the shoes would not make me feel any better and in fact it may hurt worse. I know a strange analogy.

As I sit here, my daughter is playing with her little friend across the street and her aunt is my neighbor and has maybe 4 weeks left in her pregnancy and she is also a doctor so I am fearful the kids will tell her as she is kind and compassionate and I so do not want to upset her. Babies are all wonderful and although mine is not equipped for this world, I do not want her to be sad and worry. Do not get me wrong I am not trying to silence the children, I know they need to talk, it is just that it is hard enough.

I have to say thank God I can feel Michael moving around inside me although he is not nearly as active as my girls were, I know he is still alive and I would constantly be wondering otherwise. I know his markers are very soft and according to the doctors not life threatening right now, but I do not really understand. I understand that if he makes it to his due date, he will have big bad problems and likely live at most a few weeks, but I still do not understand why...