I don't like my shoes

So many times I have said out loud, when I have heard about a mother losing a child at birth or finding out that someone had a fatal prenatal diagnosis - "I just don't think I could ever handle that..." I should have said, "I could not handle that." Maybe if I had been more definitive, a little clearer, perhaps I would not be wearing these shoes, because I sure do not like them. They are painful and awkward, yet I have to wear them and somehow I know that I will never take them off ~ I will forever be changed because no matter what ~ even if I had the ability to take them off early, my feet would still hurt ~ somehow removing the shoes would not make me feel any better and in fact it may hurt worse. I know a strange analogy.

As I sit here, my daughter is playing with her little friend across the street and her aunt is my neighbor and has maybe 4 weeks left in her pregnancy and she is also a doctor so I am fearful the kids will tell her as she is kind and compassionate and I so do not want to upset her. Babies are all wonderful and although mine is not equipped for this world, I do not want her to be sad and worry. Do not get me wrong I am not trying to silence the children, I know they need to talk, it is just that it is hard enough.

I have to say thank God I can feel Michael moving around inside me although he is not nearly as active as my girls were, I know he is still alive and I would constantly be wondering otherwise. I know his markers are very soft and according to the doctors not life threatening right now, but I do not really understand. I understand that if he makes it to his due date, he will have big bad problems and likely live at most a few weeks, but I still do not understand why...