A friend of mine likened my pregnancy to "throwing the dice". She is in medicine and certainly did not mean anything bad by it, but I often replay seemingly innocent comments and I think so many times I am a walking reminder right now to everyone of what could go wrong. The innocence is gone. I have miscarried before and while awful and I grieved - I have to say it is really not quite the same. I know it is so hard to understand and I really, really do not think in my lifetime I will ever understand this one, no "Aha" moment to come. I feel like a statistic on some level - I don't even know anyone this has happened to as this has got to be the worst possible prognosis there is. I am not growing a science project - this is my son.
I just keep replaying the birth of each one of my girls - maybe mostly my first - 23 years ago, I had no idea what was going on, what we were having, she was never seen on an ultrasound, it never occured to me that anything could possibly go wrong. It was love at first sight, I just wanted to hold her forever. I remember her little noises, her sweet hands like it was yesterday. Then the day we were headed home a girl I went to highschool with, 12 hours after Jessica was born gave birth to a baby girl that died in the birth canal - she was stillborn. She was a few doors down from me in the maternity ward. My heart broke, I just could not imagine what she was feeling, how would she recover, how unfair, why couldn't they do anything? We were so young and yet it didn't matter - it was so awful, could there ever be anything worse? I have thought of her so many times over these years and wondered how she is.
I went to visit my brother and sister in law today and honestly my husband and I were both stressed out about the visit, not because they stress us out, but because they are walking this with us and I hate what we are going through and somehow I know they are experiencing so much of this right along with us. I felt better once I hugged them and we all cried again. Our kids were all running around and being kids and that made me happy watching them being kids.
My husband and I were talking about this earlier and we concurred we really expected the news to be we would have to endure some corrective surgery for his little heart and I was concerned about that? That would have been the best, but that is no longer our biggest concern. I fear the unknown and really what I know right now is what I have found on google and it is not encouraging.
"A child who loses a parent is called an orphan. A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. But there isn't anything to describe a parent who's lost a child".
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