I am sitting here listening to the rain and remembering that phone call when my life seemingly changed quite likely forever. I am pretty sure I drove home in an awful fog - my poor husband had to go get the girls and come home - I suppose it was close to the end of the day, but I really think I actually stomped my feet, wishing I had not answered the phone (like somehow that would make it all not real). A birth defect, well no one wants that, but we would love this baby no matter what. I never really considered the possibility of a diagnosis that was "incompatible with life".
2009 has been very different to say the least. I went to New York to watch my oldest graduate from college - so crazy and it was so so wonderful. It was the end of May and maybe a month later I must have discovered I was pregnant. We did not tell anyone, I was terrified I would lose this baby and I needed to "know" everything was going to be ok before I told the girls. I changed doctors because of some issues I had with my previous OB and I did my homework, I really like her. She immediately referred me to a specialist although no one was certainly concerned but I have just turned 41 so obviously I am high risk, but God gave us this baby for a reason right?
Speed ahead a few months...the girls are back in school, it is August now and I am past the 12 week mark. Everything looks great and I am begining to show - it is time to tell the girls. We took them to dinner and my husband handed my 9 year old the ultrasound picture. It took her a moment but she got a big smile on her face and went bananas. Her little sister immediately wanted to tell everyone (she is 7).
Some sad things were going on and I felt very strongly out of respect for a friend of mine I was not going to announce this all over the place as a friend of ours just lost her baby unexpectedly 24 hours after birth. I went to the funeral and as I sat in the chuurch I kept thinking, please, please God I can not handle this. Please don't tell me you are preparing me for something like this. I actually had to leave, I kept crying and no one knew I was pregnant and it was open casket, I was just not handling it well. That feeling, it kept coming back, but I kept brushing it off after all I am hormonal and this is so tragic.
Then a friend of my sister in law found out her baby had Trisomy 13 - how awful, how tragic, that is the worst, he doesn't even have a chance to live - they know he is not going to live long but continue the pregnancy. I have great admiration for her, I am praying for her, in fact I am in awe at how strong she is but how can she do it? I know I am not that strong, I know I don't have it in me.
You know - everytime I am pregnant I see pregnant women everywhere. It is always amazing and I chalk it up to I am just paying attention. This time - nope - I see tragedy. My close close friend found out about 2 months ago he is going to die from a bile duct cancer. It is stage 4 and they are not treating it. I have been trying to deal with this with him and also help the girls understand. He is begining to turn yellow and he does not have much time. I need to be there for him, but I can't comprehend everything going on around me right now. It is emotionally exhausting.
I wanted to knit my little boy a blanket - I was going to do that and his baptism would be this spring with friends and family and my big brother and sister in law are going to be his God Parents, all of these things I have prepared for but his cradle will be empty.
The funny part of this, I always assumed people would have either the oppinion to terminate or to carry as long as God wants us to and they do, but we have some in the middle. Some that want us to do what is best for us, some just know there is no answer. For me, it is so hard because I know it is not just me or my decision, but I am his mother and right now he is alive, I can feel him moving inside of me - I can not explain, but although it seems like ending his life at this point is the humane thing to do to some people, I think that for the rest of my life I would have nightmares. I could never judge anyone - it is too too difficult. I do not want to make my family suffer, but I am feeling confident this is now a decision I have to leave up to God. This is not a choice I have been given.
A friend of mine told me how strong she thought I was and I reminded her that I am not - I did not not choose this and I am not strong right now. I can't even really get out of bed...
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