Is there an escape route

I can't imagine going through this ~ still. The hardest part right now is I can not escape. While I know this touches my entire family, they can talk to random people and those people will not know about Michael ~ when you see me there is no mistaking I am pregnant and well it's human nature (myself included) to celebrate a baby. I love him, obviously, but I do not know how to celebrate this little guy without greiving yet... I question my strength as I feel the need to find joy, but I am just not there...yet?

Today has been a hard day for some reason - I feel so sad. My sweet neighbor (whom is very excited for us) stopped me on my way out to see how everything is coming along, how the girls are doing, how I am feeling - all normal and nice questions and obviously she knows nothing about what is going on and I said "fine", thanks for asking, the girls are excited. All true and yet, it tore me apart. Then I get home and in the mail today are 2 sympathy cards for my baby that is still inside me kicking and a little teddy bear for his bassinet. I love the sweet gestures and peoples kind thoughts but I feel broken today. My husband knows I am sad and yet today he said to me, "I don't have the luxury of lying around all day like you do" I do not want this luxury. I am sad and my head hurts. I am pregnant and feel like I have failed my innocent son. Old crusty eggs apparentlly & I can not fix him. He is with me every moment of every day and I am broken. Today I want to make it stop and yet to make it stop would mean he is no longer part of our life. This is just not fair. I understand life is not fair, but this is my child and somehow every day that goes by produces more fears, anxiety, depression you name it - I am simply broken hearted today and I feel weak. I read all of these womens blogs and they are so strong and celebrate every day with their unborn children and everyday I dread the inevitable or what if he makes it and he has tubes coming out of everywhere, what if he is suffering, what if he dies before he is born, what if he doesn't. I know in my head this is just a sad day and tomorrow is a new day with new feelings. Ewwww not certain I am up for anymore feelings, yuck!!!