Ok, so today is the ultrasound after the amnio results. I can't help but worry and yet, what could I possibly be worried about? They can't really tell me anything worse ~ could they? I am worried that perhaps because they really thought everything was ok, that maybe they did not see some things that they would have otherwise been looking for. I am a worrier anyways and I know some of it is silly, but I am his mother and I do not worry any less knowing he may only be with me while he is in my tummy. I am doing better, I still cry, but I cry less. I at least have him while I am pregnant, which may be very hard for most people to understand, but it is just very important to me that he is not suffering. I do not feel as much movement these days but everyonce in awhile he will give me a big kick and let me know he is there. I am treasuring those moments as I know they may be not be many. I will post after our ultrasound. I will TRY to post pictures too.
Well I just returned - the visit was about 2 hours, but they answered all sorts of questions for us. My blood pressure elevated, 140 something over 94 and I do have extra fluid : ( so they are monitoring me weekly now... The baby is measuring a week behind, but within normal. His kidneys look really pretty good, still a little enlarged but they are not really worried about that. One cyst disappeared but the other now has fluid, so he is now hydrocephalic ( I think that is how you spell???) His heart does not look better and is now enlarged - so overall, not a happy visit, but it really is what we kind of sort of expected ~ short of a miracle. Just not fun but we are still hangin in there, but the doctor does not seem to have a lot of hope for a live birth. The genetic counselor told us today that she has never seen a live birth of a trisomy 18 baby which is very disheartening, but we wanted honest answers and we now have them. Oh and he assured us that Michael is not suffering right now, he promised me this and I somehow beleive that he knows this. I have an appointment in three weeks to potentially drain fluid from my belly which is very upsetting because I am assuming that may involve needles and I am not a fan, but I am also a big fan of breathing so I may have to compromise.
Funny as I was sitting in the waiting room with the other pregnant women, it did not upset me, that is somehow so peaceful. I am not sad, I am not jealous, maybe a little envious, but I was happy to see healthy happy pregnant women. I know now more than ever how precious life is and how incredibly fragile it is. I think I took so much for granted and I pray that perhaps this is my lesson.
When I came out of the ultrasound, the counselor tracked me down to hand me a card that "someone" delivered to the receptionist while I was there. It was a card from a friend of mine that just lost her baby unexpectedly a few months ago. How incredible people are. How amazing people can be. I spoke with another woman in my expecting club that lost her son about a year ago and she sent me books and talked with me, just amazing how wonderful people can be. How selfless, when I know they have their own pain, I just feel so fortunate today. I can only hope to be that strong and compassionate some day. The lady from my expecting club is obviously expecting again and still was willing to reach out to me ~ which she will never know how much that meant to me...
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