I am nesting in my own way...

Today it occured to me I have to find Michael an outfit. It has to be perfect as it will likely be his only outfit. He needs a snuggly blanket too and I am nervous because I can't really go far as my blood pressure keeps creeping and as much as I want to prepare I don't want to cause anything to happen. I realized today how scared I am. I am afraid to carry him because I know I have to give him right back but I am his mother, and this is the only thing I get to do for him ever. I know we have more decisions ahead of us, but they aren't picking out strollers or bedding or car seats - they are things like what kind of service should we have and should we cremate him? How will our other children handle this? Funny as time marches on - I can't help but wonder what is best for Michael? What is best for the girls? How hard will this be? Will our knowledge make any difference? Will this change us forever? It seems like maybe it already has. I don't want to be sad forever, I know I have a duty to not be sad, but I am right now. My body after this baby is not going to understand I don't have a baby - another cruelty? Maybe not. I told my husband the other day that it is kind of hard to go through all of the pregnancy drama and the fluid and weight gain when I can't really keep my eye on the prize... my prize maybe is feeling him inside of me for today.

I read this earlier from The Little Prince.

As the little prince was falling asleep, I picked him up in my arms, and started walking again. I was moved. It was as if I was carrying a fragile treasure. It actually seemed to me that there was nothing more fragile on Earth. By the light of the moon, I gazed at that pale forehead, those closed eyes, those locks of hair trembling in the wind, and I said to myself, What I’m looking at is only a shell. What is most important is invisible…