Ebay and Etsy and Amazon ~ Oh My!

I have taken a leave from my office for now in hopes that on my quest for whatever my quest is (still trying to figure that one out...) I can perhaps reduce the noise of constant drama (even if it is just in my head). I am however shopping! I initially panicked, thinking kids, Christmas, this is supposed to be a magical time for them ~ and I can't leave my bed so now, I am officially obsessed with getting my Christmas shopping done and it will all have to be online. I may end up liking this. My sister in law, who is the perpetual organizer (thank goodness - and very much the opposite of me) warned me that I should probably write down what I order. Probably a very good idea, I think she knows me better than she thinks.

Today, let the festivities begin... it is THE Thanksgiving dinner at my daughters grade school and Bill has hearings and can not go. Morgan cried and broke my heart because she really wants someone to go eat with her. I feel horrible, but my mother came to the rescue and had lunch with her and saved the day! Yet again, I question and struggle with what I am doing, I want so badly to do the right thing. I believe that my mother of the year award may have to wait, for yet another year.

Life is bananas - own a business - maintain kids schedules - soccer - ballet - homework - dinner - laundry - work - WAIT!!! I am looking back and trying to envision just what I had envisioned for my life. Just a decade ago I lived in a different world, just graduated from law school, living in Miami. You really do not know what life has in store for you - and yet, I would not change - MOST of it. I would however change Michael's prognosis. I know God does not make mistakes, blah, blah, blah, but I make mistakes and I would still prefer to bring home a healthy baby.

I know my life is not for everyone, but I love my family. They are what makes sense to me. They are not a burden, not ever. I had a little girl when I was 18, 18 years old, I was just a child. She is and always will be the light of my life. I take that back, many peoples lives. My best friend always used to tease her and tell her that she was practicing on being a mother on her, but truth be told we all were practicing on her and she taught us all more than we ever taught her. I got to take her everywhere with me, she went backpacking through Europe with me when I was in graduate school and skiing and camping, and you name it she went. I never, ever felt like I gave up anything to be a young mother. Certainly nothing important, I did feel like she gave up some things having such a young and selfish mother. I never doubted for even a moment that she was special and perfect and meant to be. She is the most amazing person you will ever meet in the world. Partial? I don't think so. She is kind, she is focused and much like myself in that she is constantly trying to make some sort of sense out of this world and hopefully make a difference. She turned out amazing in spite of me : ) She loves in spite of shortcomings. So again, I am so blessed and I know that I am, but still, still, I would like for Michael to be healthy Michael. The point is that I am greatful, I am, I know how great my family is and I know we are not perfect, but I still...

Every child has a distinct purpose, and Michael is no exception. I am lucky to be a mother. Now, I am just hoping that I can figure out a way for people to remember him. He is not a science project, or a non-viable fetus, he is not incompatible with life or a chromosomal mishap, he is my son and he is their brother, he is part of our family. I could not ever judge someone for making a heartbreaking choice to end a pregnancy like this, so I really wish or hope that maybe, just perhaps, everyone could understand and not judge us. I have certainly morphed in my thought process, but I am being closely monitored and taking each day as it unfolds. Certainly moments are painful, but some moments just are, that is living and we are living right now.