Heaven couldn't wait

"There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

I need to write, but I would be less than honest to not admit feeling let down and defeated. I miss Michael. Michael was perfectly made. Let me see if I can do this. Bill and Jessica and I got up early to go to the hospital. Around 7:30 am my doctor popped in to say hello and decided to wait until after she had done a c-section to start the induction. I had the same nurse I had previously while I was in the hospital and I was so excited about that as she is just so comforting and I already knew her. Around 9:30 my doctor came back in and did a quick ultrasound and Michael was still head down and his heart looked good so the induction began. My contractions were fairly constant, but I did not progress very quickly, so they started additional pitocin around lunchtime. Around 5:30 my Dr. came back in to check on me and broke my water. There was unfortunately a lot more fluid than we all expected and the excess fluid came out with such force that it likely caused Michael to spin a bit and he managed to get caught up in his umbilical cord and the placenta also pulled away a bit. I quit feeling him move after my water broke and in my heart I was afraid he was already gone. After 9 pm I felt him coming and he was delivered at 9:35 pm with Bill and Jessica watching and he came out still. He looked just like his daddy, he had his nose, he was perfect...he did get my toes. We got a lot of pictures and little feet prints and hand prints and I held him for hours. After everyone left, Bill and I said our goodbyes and the funeral home came to take him, that is hopefully the most painful experience of my entire life. It literally took my breath away. Handing him over and knowing you will not see him again in this lifetime. Kissing his little forehead and wishing so many things... I couldn't actually do it, Bill had to hand his baby, his son, to a funeral director in the middle of the night. We do know that God answered our prayers and feel a peace. I have my moments right now, but we prayed that Michael would not suffer, and that Gods will be done, not ours, so I have to believe His plan is better than mine. Our nurse had the day off and came by to see us and I think God knew what he was doing by having her stop by, because she was so sweet, she told us she knew we wanted to meet him, but how difficult it was for her personally see these babies try to take a breath - so God did answer our prayers. I love Michael so much and the vortex of emotions and hormones won't allow my head and my heart to all be on the same page just yet. I miss his little feet up in my ribs and his little fingers pushing on everything. I want to hold him and rock him and I will always miss him and I have to learn to adjust and live with that. I do not regret carrying him, I only wish I still was, because that was something I could do for him. I know life continues, but it is difficult to imagine my life without any one of my children.

Dear Micheal,

When we found out we were having another baby, we were so excited. I was cautious in getting too excited because I never wanted to lose you. We know that you served a purpose here. We know that God wanted you and that you are God's servant and that we are so blessed to be your parents. You were created in God's image and your short perfect life taught us so much. God knew what he was doing when he chose us to be your family. We love you unconditionally. Michael, you were made by God and kept by God. Your name is fitting, it means "Who is like God." Our doctor actually told us this as she handed you to me. Your sisters named you after an angel and that seems so fitting as you are our own little angel now. Happy Birthday baby, you will always be remembered as you have left your imprint on this world and you are so loved.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Jessica, Abbi and Morgan

Thank you for all of your prayers, they worked! Michael made it and we are the proud parents of a little boy! Please keep praying as we are on our way to the funeral home today and Michaels memorial service is in the morning on New Years Day! He is so special.

Baby Michael

Baby Michael was delivered at 9:35 pm on December 29th.

He was 2 pounds and 10 ounces and 15 inches long; bigger than expected! He did not survive the delivery.

Michael was surrounded by his family and was blessed by Father Tom. One of Jodi's primary concerns has always been that Michael not suffer and we are assured that he did not. We are comforted in knowing that he is at peace in the loving arms of the Lord.

The family thanks you all for the constant prayers and support. Please continue to pray for healing and peace.

Jodi will be posting again shortly.

God Bless,
Ruth Anne
Jodi's Sister in Law

Today will be the day...

Obviously I cannot sleep. I have tried. We sat up in bed with your aunt, your grandmother, your daddy and all of your sisters last night. We are all worried about today, it is hard not to worry, we are getting ready to give you back with as much grace as humanly possible. I know God will be with you and with us today, but I am your mommy and I just can not stop wanting just a little more time with you. Today will be your very special birthday and my hope and desire is for you to meet us if only for a moment, but we know heaven is waiting...

Dear Michael,

It is Sunday afternoon and my time with you is dwindling and it is so hard to prepare for that. Everyone has gone to lunch and I am watching you roll around inside my tummy. It is cold and cloudy outside, another perfect day to be inside. Last night your daddy took me out to get a few more things for Tuesday, your birthday. Kind of a cool birthday 12/29/09 just 2 days left in the remaining year. I feel like I should be doing something to prepare for you, but I do not know what else to do. We have not told your big sisters you are coming Tuesday, but we will soon. I know you are comfortable inside of me and I also know you are no longer growing and it is time, I just hope and pray for peace. I hope you know that we tried to make the best decisions for you and we have tried to keep you comfortable along this seemingly long, but in reality short journey. You have changed our lives in so many ways and your little life has impacted many people. I have had people from all over the world reach out to tell us they are praying. So many people love you. In many ways I will never be the same. I know how blessed we are to have carried you. I know how blessed we are to have so many wonderful people in our lives. You were so wanted and will be so missed. I know that your journey is not without meaning and we will always miss you and remember you. If we are blessed to meet you before you go to heaven we will do our best to make good choices and if you go to heaven before you make it into our arms, that is ok too, we know that God is in control and He knows what is best for you.

I have had some very vivid dreams about you the last few nights and none of them have been frightening at all which is comforting. In my dreams you are big and healthy and the doctor is someone I have never seen before, but he is not a stranger. This doctor is calming and he has a good sense of humor. He gave me a shot of something and I felt no pain, not even the shot. Labor was easy on us and the doctor stayed with us the entire time, as if we were his only concern. I do not know what this means, it could be wishful thinking on my part, but regardless, I am thankful. I love you.

Love, mom

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas morning and Morgan got up SUPER early - like 2 am... she informed me (at 2 am that Santa had been to the house and stuffed the stockings but forgot to leave presents. I told her we would have to figure it out and then about 20 minutes later she informed me she was mistaken. The reason she thought this was because she "knew all of our wrapping paper" and she was looking for "the special Santa paper" she did not realize that Santa used bags this year. We managed to make her wait until 7 am to wake everyone else up, but not with out reminders from her about every 45 minutes.

Bill got us this little ornament for Michael. The gesture made me cry a little, but only because it is so sweet and it reads sleep in heavenly peace (that is probably the part that got me). As we opened gifts I felt Michael squirm and I could not help but know this is his only Christmas with us and I felt thankful to feel him and know that for today he is in his little happy place and soon he will be in a happier place, but in God's time not ours. Merry Christmas!

Bah Humbug...

I am really trying, but, I cannot lie and I am ashamed, but I am not feeling the Christmas spirit right now. I went to the doctor today and she went over what to expect next week and I reminded her that I am a big chicken when it comes to needles. My oldest daughter was with me and she made certain to let her know that I was in fact, not exaggerating. I mentioned to her again that I had not ever had an epidural and that my only induction went very fast. She said it would likely go fast this time as well and that I can decide when I start labor if I want to go natural or get an epidural. I am all for medication and comfort as long as it does not involve needles. She did not do another ultrasound, so I am just hoping he is not breech again, but if he were, the delivery would be the same so I am trying to be ok with that. I know with the excess fluid, we are already facing possible cord prolapse and then the obvious heart and trisomy issues, again - praying and hoping for a safe and peaceful delivery. Next week at this time, I will not be pregnant...

Abbi's Angel

Today was one of those days. It is difficult to explain, but I will try. Physically I feel ok, not great, but ok. The fluid, I can tell is increasing quickly as I am very short of breath. What a difference one day can make. It is easier for me to sit up than it is for me to lie down, so I wrapped presents most of the day, which is better than most years as I am frantically stuffing bags the night before. This is good, I think... Anyways, here we are just a few days before Christmas and while I asked to have Michael after Christmas for the girls sake, I did not entirely think that one through. The reason I say this is because we have to plan a funeral.. Not very festive, but we have to make arrangements for Michael. I know that I do not want an open casket viewing. We have a professional photographer coming from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" and I hope we can put a little picture of him up, but no open casket. I know he will not be there, I know he will be in heaven and I do find comfort in that - so that is what we have decided. We had to choose the funeral home today and the hardest part is thinking about them coming to the hospital to take him away. Bill asked me again if I wanted to bury him or cremate him and again, I said neither. Bill thought that we could cremate him and then he could then be buried with me when I die. I told him., that sounded fine. Michael will be baptized at the hospital and I know he will be in heaven, and I do believe this, but I am still going to miss him.


My good friend Felix is sick right now. He was diagnosed with stage 4 bile duct cancer the end of July. He opted out of all treatment (at his doctors recommendation) as the cancer was already everywhere and the chemo would have just made him feel worse and it would not have helped. The cancer is in his stomach, liver, pancreas... Doctors gave him 4 to 6 weeks to live and hospice was called in to comfort him. He called me and we both just cried, this could not be happening... I called my brother, as he is an oncologist so certainly he would be able to give us some sort of hope. My brother called Felix's doctor and then called me back and the answer was the same, this type of cancer is rare and extremely aggressive.

Felix worked out of my office for a few years, he is a mortgage broker. I often bring my children to work with me and they would always make a bee line for "Mr. Felix's" office. Mr. Felix is a big teddy bear kind of guy and he always stopped and played with them and made them feel special. He even took them on trips to the mall, the playground, McDonalds and various other locations. The girls are just a little bit older than his grand babies. I explained to the girls what was happening with Mr. Felix and they cried and then Abbi, my 9 year old insisted on getting Mr. Felix an angel of his own.

As a parent, there are some moments you just can not forget. The details to this day are so clear. Abbi was 5 years old and it was just a few days before the Fourth of July. I had just given the girls a bath after spending a day at the beach. I was putting their jammies on and noticed a small little lump on Abbi's neck, right at her collar bone. I mentioned it to Bill and made my brother look at it and the consensus was not to worry. I was thinking, swollen gland, bug bite, cold, who knows? The next morning, she woke up and it grew a little over night. It was not red or warm, just bigger. I called her pediatrician thinking antibiotics before the weekend as I did not want her to be sick over the Fourth of July. As I watched her pediatricians face, I knew she was not thinking, it was no big deal - in fact it was the opposite. After that moment, things get a little fuzzy, but my brother and husband apparently had suspected the same thing as Abbi had also developed a rash and was "presenting" classic non-Hodgkin's lymphoma symptoms. The pediatrician sent us to the hospital for blood work and x-rays and Bill and my brother were already 2 steps ahead of me. We were greeted by another doctor, a surgeon that wanted us to go to another hospital in Pensacola, a little over an hour away for surgery that day. Whoa, cancer? My 5 year old? Not possible!!! Now, this next move was probably completely irrational, but at this point who is rational? I asked, no begged for antibiotics and to let us go home and enjoy the Fourth of July. My reasoning was 1. two more days could not hurt, right? and 2. maybe it was just a swollen gland? (a gland that did not hurt...) They reluctantly let us go with surgery scheduled for Monday morning at 6:30 a.m. Now in hind sight, I was a complete absolute basket case. I knew, I just knew. We cried, I got sick, we called St Jude's. I remember sitting on our porch after putting the girls to bed that night and listening to the waves and I remember begging God to make it me, not her. I remember Bill being mad. The very thought of her having to be treated and be sick was just too much. That was a very, very long weekend.

Fast forward to Monday morning. We got to the hospital and Abbi was amazing. She was calm, I was not, but I think I put on somewhat of a decent game face for her. Unbeknown to us, her very quiet surgeon went to church Sunday and asked for prayers. He said, it did not look good for this little girl and she could really use prayers. Over the weekend this lump continued to grow and was about the size of a golf ball. Abbi was also beginning to bleed into her chest, none of this was good. After Abbi was wheeled back for surgery, my friend Shayne came into the waiting area. Shayne is a walking, living miracle and her story is absolutely incredible. It always makes me cry (but in a good way). Anyways, please understand part of this miracle is Shayne getting out of bed at 6 a.m., ha, even if she does read this, she will agree with that one. Shayne's story is for another day, but suffice it to say, it's a really good one, in fact I am going to make her share it, because it is important. So it is 6 a.m. and she is there, because she is just that kind of friend. She comes in with this little beaded angel and she needs to go back and see Abbi. Shayne is also a nurse and does not like to hear "no", so not surprisingly (and thankfully) she went back to see Abbi and tucked this little angel in next to Abbi. This angel was given to Shayne when she was sick with metastatic cancer and well, without launching into that story (yet) she is cancer free. She told Abbi that someday, she would need to pay it forward. I have no idea how long Abbi was in surgery, I just remember that it was surgery on her neck (like that's not nerve wracking enough). This is a mother that can not handle her own child's immunizations (I cry). So, after the surgery, the surgeon came out and he was visibly fighting back tears. He looked at us and said, it's gone and it's not cancer. I remember my brother saying, I will never look at medicine the same way and I just kept thanking God (a lot). The point of this story is that Abbi has heard it a few times and so she thought Mr. Felix needed an angel like hers. Well she found a special angel for him and while his cancer is not gone, I reminded them that he has now lived 4 times longer than the doctors said he probably would and that too is a miracle. Miracles come in many shapes and sizes and it is usually in hindsight that I am able to recognize these gestures. That was a biggie and if you don't believe and chalk it up to science that is ok too because in reality life is miraculous, but seldom am I shown this with such clarity or seldom do I pay close enough attention. This angel is symbolic, it's not that it was magic, but the story, the act is what is important and this angel is a reminder to all of us that life really is miraculous however long or short it is.