Hooray for a healthy baby girl! Thank goodness. I will forever celebrate every person on the planet earths healthy baby. They are a reminder that miracles happen.
My kids have figured out that I can not chase them right now and they are being a tad sneaky... I can not look in their normal hiding spaces and they have discovered this. They are 8 and 9 so it's not like they're hiding "bad" things, but they would absolutely prefer to never brush their teeth, drink coke and eat nasty food. They hide candy and what nots from me anyways so we may end up on one of those hoarders episodes before this is all over with.
So, I have a lot of time to google right now and todays theme was a quest to find out if Michael is sufferinge. Doctors have assured us he is not, but they do not do weekly ultrasounds and I really want to make certain that he is comfortable and that I am armed with all information to make sure that he is. I know babies feel pain at this point in gestation. This is something I just really need to know. I need this to be about him and not me. My doctor wants us to write a birth plan - not as simple as I thought. What exactly do we mean by comfort care? Crap! Really? Can't someone else please make these decisions? I know it seems like this is a religious choice, but today I realized that it is not just about religion. This is about my belief that Michael's life has meaning and I am really trying to find a way to honor that. Maybe I am just too weak to make any other choice. Now, before someone thinks anything bad about me or my thought process, I need to clarify. This is us, our decision - not just mine and I do not think because someone terminates a pregnancy because of a medical reason that child has no meaning to them. I know that is a hearbreaking choice. I logically understand that and acknowledge it is painful. It's not a debate to justify my decision, I know it stinks, I am living it and question my sanity daily. I was talking with my husband earlier as our appointment is quickly approaching with the fetal maternal specialist and with this excess amniotic fluid and my blood pressure, I of course get nervous they will want to induce soon. I also know Michael will get worse and even though I expect it, I still fear it. The reason I bring this up is simply because, I told my husband there is just no way I can "choose" the day for my son to die. Today Michael stuck his baby butt way out today and I pushed on him and he jumped back and then kicked me hard, as if to let me know he is still fighting and if he's still in, well we're in too.
The girls came bouncing in from school today with flowers that must have been delivered at some point today. So very sweet and thoughtful and I LOVE flowers, they are happy flowers too - gardenias. Yet, it is so strange to receive condolences for a baby that is still very much alive. I really love and appreciate that our friends are celebrating his life and thinking about us during this bittersweet time.
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