Not much better...yet

I keep questioning how am I supposed to pray? Really what am I praying for? What am I supposed to do? What is the right thing to do? Not just for me but my husband, my children, his grandparents? As I was driving my little girl to school today she informed me that while she still thinks he will be fine, since we named him Michael after the angel, we need to have an angel tree for Christmas this year for him (that made me cry too ~ but only after she got out of the car). Then I asked God, "why me?" and I still have no answer, but I do have a very nervous stomach right now.

My dear husband is just so sweet he held my hand this morning before the sun came up for several hours and let me cry. I know how hard this is on everyone and I know how much he wants this little guy. My husband is an attorney so he wants to fix things and I love him more than he will ever understand, but we both understand this can not be fixed. He did call the genetic counselor today and she told him that the final results would be in Monday or Tuesday. They will not change the outcome, just tell us what kind of Trisomy 18. I am not very clear on all of this yet. They want us to keep our appointment in November ~ 3 weeks away. That seems like it is SO far away.

Ok, I am still trying here but every time he kicks and pushes it makes me cry... I suppose I feel a little sorry for myself, but it is so much more than just me. I worry about him suffering or his heart just stopping and I worry about the impact on my girls and of course my husband. My mom and dad sent us flowers a few weeks ago we just finally threw away. They were to celebrate having a healthy baby boy after all these years and I just have not even had the courage to tell them yet. Perhaps that is why we have Michael, to teach us courage? Right now I just feel grief AND he is still alive. I can't imagine what I will feel later.

Tomorrow is my regular Dr. appt. I am not really looking all that forward to sitting in the waiting area, mainly because I am afraid I will cry. I do not want to upset happy pregnant women. If I have learned anything yet, it is that everyone has a story and cliche as it is ~ you cannot judge a book by its cover.