My First Doctors Appointment

My big brother is a doctor and I can not help but wonder how a doctor deals with something this sad. You go to medical school to help people - this must be so hard for someone that wants to help bring a baby into the world knowing you will be delivering a baby into heaven. We may find peace at some point, but let's face it there is not a happy ending. Less than a week ago we were picking out bedding and I was looking at a blanket with a little elephant on it for him. It was so soft and sweet and my little girls loved to be held all the time and I was so looking forward to snuggling my little man. I could find solice in having a downs baby, but this is the worst possible outcome for us as we have virtually nothing to hang onto. This morning he has the hiccups and while it makes me cry, I keep thinking, well, he is still alive. I don't really know what to expect, but I am pretty nervous. We know he has some kidney issues and we also know that Trisomy 18 can also lead to situations where he will create extra amniotic fluid which can lead to bleeding issues for the mother - me. I had some bad bleeding after my first baby and so this is a potential issue for me anyways so I have to admit I am a little scared now. I do not know if we want to do this again, I can not think about that today. I have been blessed with three daughters and I want to be around for everything they do.

After I got the girls ready for school I walked out onto the porch to hug my husband, he was outside watching the birds sing before going to work and he is so, so, sad, but through my grief I feel like I don't know how to help him. He takes care of us, he takes care of everyone and always puts on his "game face" but this is his baby, his only son and I at least get to feel him moving around inside of me, he does not even get to experience that. Again, not fair.

Last night Abbi came in to our room to say goodnight. I was in bed, so she pulled the covers down to kiss her sweet baby brother goodnight. This morning Morgan reminded me that in February when the baby comes she does not have to go to after care anymore because we decided I would be staying home with Michael. I am just not sure what to do with these things. I told them both yesterday that Michael is so sweet and special that God would take him right back to heaven to be with him. They listened, but they were not buying it.