Feeling guilty

It is late and Bill is sound asleep next to me. I tried to write a few times today, but I was stumped. I think sometimes I am just not clear and sometimes it is just too hard. I got a phone call today late in the afternoon from the doctors office scheduling delivery. Michael will be here sometime Tuesday December 29th, 2009 and we are hopeful he will stay with us until then. I am not going to lie, I have anxiety about this. I have not told the girls, I know they will have questions and I need to figure out how to do this before I tell them, which I probably will not do until after Christmas. I have moments where I am consumed with things such as what will that drive home from the hospital be like. The idea of leaving him breaks my heart. I feel him kicking and I want to enjoy it, but tonight I feel guilty and sad and scared for him. I know what the doctors have told us, it is not our fault...blah, blah, blah. I can not help but wonder, if I only I had done something different, or were we asking for too much? I know God is not punishing us but it just feels unfair tonight. For tonight, this journey is emotionally draining and I am not feeling very strong. I hate that I am feeling this way, but I have to be honest. All parents feel guilt, we just do. Guilt about having him, guilt about not having him, the sadness his older sisters have to endure, guilt about not giving my husband his healthy son, guilt about bed rest and everyone taking care of me and my family. I feel guilty and feel grateful. Perhaps this is what joy in sorrow is? So tomorrow is another day...