The Birth Plan

So today, my focus has been on preparing a birth plan for Michael. It has to be very specific, what we want, what we don't want for him and for us. The doctors for example do not want to monitor the baby during delivery in case he dies and I think right now I would rather know how he is doing. We know he is breech, so it is going to be very difficult. We do not want them to take Michael for the normal baby things such as ointment in his eyes, but we do want simple measures taken to keep him comfortable such as suctioning. We do not want him to be revived. If he lives then we may want IV's for medication to keep him comfortable such as seizure medication or morphine. I do not want him kept in the morgue, I know at that point he will be gone, but I hate the thought of him being cold and alone, and I just know it will be too fresh for me to be completely rational. I know from being in the hospital already that I really want everyone to know what is going on. So I think I want some type of sign on the door. I certainly do not mind talking about Michael, but I also know that sometimes it is not as easy depending on my state of mind. I really hate feeling like I have shocked or saddened someone. I think (and I know I have said this before) the one thing I will certainly always know in my heart is how precious life is and not that I did not know it before, but I have to walk this walk, I do not want to scare some poor woman that has just found out she is pregnant. I am so blessed to have had three healthy normal and really carefree pregnancies with healthy children as a result. If we have anytime at all with Michael, it is likely to be brief, so I want to make the most of it for all of us.

I am getting very uncomfortable with the excess fluid. It is causing me to have regular contractions every evening and I just wonder if this will cause me to potentially go into labor on my own? Again, I feel guilt tonight. I feel guilty continuing and yet, I feel guilty not continuing. My daughter had a chorus performance tonight and I had to miss it because I am on bedrest - this is pretty complicated...