Thursday, February 24, 2011

My little pony...

Ok, so I have to admit on some levels I think I was afraid to post too much here - because this is Michael's blog.  I do not want to ever take away from him, but his story is not over as I would not be having my rainbow baby if it were not for Michael.  So here I am 29 weeks pregnant - and huge!!!  I have never been this huge.  I am so going to try to enjoy the time I have left because this is most certainly the last time in my life I will experience this.  Having him wiggle worm all over right now (and he is...I think perhaps he is trying to walk).  I love all the little hiccups. I forgot about that and Michael never had the hiccups or if he did, I did not feel them because of ALL the fluid around him, but this little guy absolutely has the hiccups a few times a day and he loves to move.  Not sure if that is a good or bad thing but when I am sleeping or tired, he is not. 

The reality is setting in that we are really doing this again.  I still have some fears as I said earlier, we did not do an amnio this time so we are certainly facing some possibilities and my next appointment is March 1st with the specialists doing another echo.  I have a love hate relationship with Dr. Google and apparently sometimes at the 20 week scan they do not catch things because the heart is just so tiny, but especially with trisomy babies, they will usually see things on that 30 week scan, so please keep us in your prayers as I feel like that is another hurdle we need to get past and I feel like we will. I keep thinking drama free, drama free...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

It is a long road...

Sometimes I feel paralyzed ~ weird I know, as I think I could psychoanalyze my feelings to death, but the reality is having a baby after losing one, is pretty tough emotionally.  The feelings I have are so overwhelming.  I am thankful, I am scared, I am sad, I am happy, I am tired, I am afraid to complain and yet the reality is some days are pretty miserable.

Last week, I went to the doctor and the nurse was concerned because my little guys heart rate was low.  I was sitting in there alone and every fear I had just came rushing in and all around me.  I know too well all of the things that can go wrong. I know this sounds bad, but in the spirit of honesty I have to report that I know I must trust in God, but the reality is that didn't work out so super last time.  So anyways, they took me back for a quick ultrasound and his heart rate was perfect and you could see hair and see that he is in fact still a boy.  I am so glad they did an ultrasound, but the fact is until I have him in my arms I am going to worry and there is no way around that. 

Last week was also Valentines Day and my sweet Abbi got me this sweet book to read to the baby and I seriously had to take a deep breath, it was one of those moments of panic ~ what if... what if I don't get to bring him home, what if I get there hopes up and break there hearts again, what if, what if, what if...  I have done absolutely zero to prepare for this baby and I know it is based in my own insecurities.  I did register at Target this week and that was a feat.  My sister in law is throwing us a shower and that is probably a very good thing.  I have been having really weird dreams too.  I am trying to be honest and not sound like a nut job, but I hope other rainbow mommies in my shoes maybe can somehow relate : )