Sometimes I feel paralyzed ~ weird I know, as I think I could psychoanalyze my feelings to death, but the reality is having a baby after losing one, is pretty tough emotionally. The feelings I have are so overwhelming. I am thankful, I am scared, I am sad, I am happy, I am tired, I am afraid to complain and yet the reality is some days are pretty miserable.
Last week, I went to the doctor and the nurse was concerned because my little guys heart rate was low. I was sitting in there alone and every fear I had just came rushing in and all around me. I know too well all of the things that can go wrong. I know this sounds bad, but in the spirit of honesty I have to report that I know I must trust in God, but the reality is that didn't work out so super last time. So anyways, they took me back for a quick ultrasound and his heart rate was perfect and you could see hair and see that he is in fact still a boy. I am so glad they did an ultrasound, but the fact is until I have him in my arms I am going to worry and there is no way around that.
Last week was also Valentines Day and my sweet Abbi got me this sweet book to read to the baby and I seriously had to take a deep breath, it was one of those moments of panic ~ what if... what if I don't get to bring him home, what if I get there hopes up and break there hearts again, what if, what if, what if... I have done absolutely zero to prepare for this baby and I know it is based in my own insecurities. I did register at Target this week and that was a feat. My sister in law is throwing us a shower and that is probably a very good thing. I have been having really weird dreams too. I am trying to be honest and not sound like a nut job, but I hope other rainbow mommies in my shoes maybe can somehow relate : )
I'm not a rainbow mommy, but I can tell you that whenever I think about the possibility of having a rainbow baby in the future, it scares me. Not because I wouldn't love to have another baby, but because of the fear that something could happen again and I would not get to bring my baby home. People like to say how rare the possibility of something happening again is, but then I just think about how rare what happened with Ryan was. Sending many prayers and (((hugs)))!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jen - it is funny because I always think back to my first pregnancy and how innocent and carefree it was and ohhh how I would love to have that back, but they are all such miracles...
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