Well it is bedrest again...

So I have been confined to the parameters of my bed (again) and so I write...  Yesterday my blood pressure went through the roof! It was in the neighborhood of 157/115 so I had to go to the hospital to be monitored and for labs, but in reality its not so bad because (a little happy dance here) I had no bad stuff in my labs (like protein- so my kidneys are working properly) and just getting off my feet made it drop to 120/65 within about an hour without medicine, so we are good, just a little extra time to do nothing.  The other good news is he looks great and I got to see a 3D ultrasound and he really looks like his daddy.  He has the same pouty lips.  I wish I knew how to put the pictures up (I will work on that later).  So I am a little nervous I am not going to lie, he is breech and I know he can move, but we are getting close now.  I am completely not prepared for our new addition thinking I still had plenty of time, but I did order cradle bedding.  Nothing for the crib yet, but we will get there.  Here is a picture of his cradle bedding...

My little pony...

Ok, so I have to admit on some levels I think I was afraid to post too much here - because this is Michael's blog.  I do not want to ever take away from him, but his story is not over as I would not be having my rainbow baby if it were not for Michael.  So here I am 29 weeks pregnant - and huge!!!  I have never been this huge.  I am so going to try to enjoy the time I have left because this is most certainly the last time in my life I will experience this.  Having him wiggle worm all over right now (and he is...I think perhaps he is trying to walk).  I love all the little hiccups. I forgot about that and Michael never had the hiccups or if he did, I did not feel them because of ALL the fluid around him, but this little guy absolutely has the hiccups a few times a day and he loves to move.  Not sure if that is a good or bad thing but when I am sleeping or tired, he is not. 

The reality is setting in that we are really doing this again.  I still have some fears as I said earlier, we did not do an amnio this time so we are certainly facing some possibilities and my next appointment is March 1st with the specialists doing another echo.  I have a love hate relationship with Dr. Google and apparently sometimes at the 20 week scan they do not catch things because the heart is just so tiny, but especially with trisomy babies, they will usually see things on that 30 week scan, so please keep us in your prayers as I feel like that is another hurdle we need to get past and I feel like we will. I keep thinking drama free, drama free...

It is a long road...

Sometimes I feel paralyzed ~ weird I know, as I think I could psychoanalyze my feelings to death, but the reality is having a baby after losing one, is pretty tough emotionally.  The feelings I have are so overwhelming.  I am thankful, I am scared, I am sad, I am happy, I am tired, I am afraid to complain and yet the reality is some days are pretty miserable.

Last week, I went to the doctor and the nurse was concerned because my little guys heart rate was low.  I was sitting in there alone and every fear I had just came rushing in and all around me.  I know too well all of the things that can go wrong. I know this sounds bad, but in the spirit of honesty I have to report that I know I must trust in God, but the reality is that didn't work out so super last time.  So anyways, they took me back for a quick ultrasound and his heart rate was perfect and you could see hair and see that he is in fact still a boy.  I am so glad they did an ultrasound, but the fact is until I have him in my arms I am going to worry and there is no way around that. 

Last week was also Valentines Day and my sweet Abbi got me this sweet book to read to the baby and I seriously had to take a deep breath, it was one of those moments of panic ~ what if... what if I don't get to bring him home, what if I get there hopes up and break there hearts again, what if, what if, what if...  I have done absolutely zero to prepare for this baby and I know it is based in my own insecurities.  I did register at Target this week and that was a feat.  My sister in law is throwing us a shower and that is probably a very good thing.  I have been having really weird dreams too.  I am trying to be honest and not sound like a nut job, but I hope other rainbow mommies in my shoes maybe can somehow relate : )

Happy Heavenly Birthday Michael...

Today is filled with all sorts of emotions.  I am happy to report our newest addition looks very healthy - with no markers whatsoever.  This news coming right on Michael's birthday is really bittersweet.  It is hard to imagine that one year ago today Michael was still alive and I was in labor at the hospital.  I can honestly say not a day goes by that I do not think about him.  I am not always sad, but I would be lying if I did not say that today I am sad and that I miss him.  He is with God and I know we are all part of a bigger plan, but it is hard to  imagine he is in a better place and yet, I do know that he is. But the mother in me would prefer to be the one taking care of him.  I was out looking at a property a few months ago and looked out and saw a little angel in this cloud... Can you see it?

I just love it so Happy Birthday little man!!!

Then I walked in from having a minor little teary breakdown (just a little one...it happens) and my front doorbell rang and it was this from my brother and sister in law... Michael's Godparents - we are so blessed!

Isn't it just beautiful ( more tears and they are both happy and sad tears - mostly happy believe it or not, because they remembered ) .  So tonight we are planning on setting off a firework in his memory and the girls love that.  We were going to release balloons, BUT we cannot do that because we live on the water and sea turtles eat balloons and that would not be a good thing, so fireworks it is!!!



It's Christmas time...

Sometimes, I really do want to write and yet sometimes, it is almost harder to write then it is to try to repress what I may have to feel.  Again, I write this in hopes that maybe someday, someone will read this and it will help.  Even if it is just one person.  It will be Michael's heavenly birthday in 3 days.  3 days and sometimes it feels like it was soooo long ago and other days it seems like it was just yesterday.  Sadly, I figured out one of my major triggers is sitting at church.  I almost always have to fight back tears at church.   Now, I have not completely figured out what that means, but it is true.  Sometimes I can not fight back the tears and it is just rough (and embarrassing).

Christmas Eve was hard, but Christmas day was peaceful.  Perhaps the anticipation of potential sadness is what I feared and knowing this would have been Michael's First Christmas is possibly just a little overwhelming.  Christmas morning one of my daughters best friends  mother died.  We knew it was coming, but that does not make it any easier and she was about my age.  I just know leaving her family had to be sooooo hard.  Of all days, of all times of the year in general... 

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular

 please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS

 WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs

 that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare

with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you

of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description

 to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know how much you miss me,

I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS

WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR

or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS

 WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to lift your spirit

as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER

 as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful

 and let your spirit sing
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

By Wanda Bencke

Here is the kicker ~ a year later and I know I am blessed to have carried Michael and I am blessed to be pregnant again, but I have to be honest, I am not really all that satisfied with how things turned out.  I do not understand how in any way shape form or fashion this was helpful.  I know things happen for a reason, but the death of a baby, what reason is that???   I also find myself worrying of course about lightening striking twice and breaking my children's hearts.  I think having to tell them bad news again is more than I could possibly handle.  When you have been down this horrible road, you think it couldn't happen again, but it could, we know we are not somehow protected because it already happened, we know that no matter how hard we want something or pray for something it doesn't always work out. 

On some crazy level, I must be superstitious because I am afraid to talk about this baby, we have not even talked about names, I almost do not want to know what the sex of this baby is, not because I am not excited or do not want this baby, but basic psychology tells me I am trying to protect my heart.  EVERY time I catch a glimpse of my car clock it always has matching numbers, like it will be 10:10 or 2:22 even my odometer read 11111 today when I parked, and I know it is nuts (really I am ok with that) but what does that mean? (besides I have lost my mind)

So, then in my obsessive googling quest the other night, I ran across a blog that was pretty leveling.  I hate to say someones misfortune made me feel less unfortunate, but it is true.  It was not a babyloss blog per say, but is was a young OB/GYN doctors blog about her journey to an impoverished town and the women that had losses and even died giving birth as if we were back in medieval times because of very treatable and preventable things.  I will find it and post it here, but these are real life horror stories and not mitigating our loss that is still, very real, but is is a different perspective for sure.

Emotionally Christmas is difficult for a lot of people and I certainly understand now more than ever, but it is Christmas and I always want this to be a special time of the year for all of my children, so essentially I am hunting for my happy place right now and they are my happy place.  Of course Michael's birthday is in three days and that coupled with my "big" ultrasound in 2 days, I am absolutely a little bananas : )  so keep us in your thoughts and prayers for the next few days and I promise I will post the results of the "big" ultrasound Tuesday night.

My head is working overtime...

So I had to share a moment - yesterday I had a busy day at work and then of course as every mother knows my day really begins when my children come home from school, so the day began at 3:30.  Morgan walked home from the bus stop and brought me a flower from Michael's tree down the street. I love that it reminds her of Michael and I have a bowl full of flowers now as well as the tree my brother grew for me so I will always have Michael's tree with me.  This is the time of year it blooms.  Abbi gets home a little later so Morgan and I jumped on the golf cart to buzz down and surprise her and pick her up (the stop is about a block from our house).

Anyways, we then proceeded to the waffle house for dinner (I know, I know... but they have waffles for dinner, yum!) which I may add is always some source of entertainment for me.  I can't help it, but something always strikes me as funny when we go to the waffle house, so I digress for just a moment.  Yesterday at dinner Abbi told me her sprite tasted awful, like fizzy water minus the syrup, so we told the waitress and mind you Abbi is sick (on antibiotics, but still sore throat and boogers to boot), so the waitress without hesitating picked Abbi's drink up and took a big swig and said ewww you are right and brought her a new one.  Seriously, that really happened and all of our eyebrows were raised, AND I am still laughing a little this morning. 

Then we headed over to Michael's the craft store and I proceeded to have a breakdown in the store.  Yes I did and it took me until this morning to put it all completely together.  No it is not the name, it is that time of the year... it was Christmas, I really missed all the Christmas hoopla last year, because I was on bed rest and we specifically waited until after the Holidays to have Michael to avoid associating it with the Holidays for the girls, but apparently my brain does not work the same. 

The point is I have some issues to deal with and I would be lying if I did not tell you as I was being neurotic, I could not help but worry about every possible thing that could go wrong with this pregnancy - from cord issues to trisomies to brain development to kidneys - so while I know God is in control and I know all of this, but my head is working overtime right now so stay with me as I have a doctors appt. Wednesday and we may actually after all find out the flavor of this baby. 

Neurotic until further notice...

Well I have not been writing much, but not because I have moved on, in fact it is quite the opposite.  I have however been somewhat struggling internally with what I feel is appropriate because I want this blog to be about Michael.  It became increasingly difficult to compare things to Michael as the days turned into months without feeling like I was not trying to hold on to him.  So as I venture into another journey with my family, I will try to be honest with where we are and what is happening in our lives. 

We dealt with a lot of opinions as we carried Michael despite his diagnosis and not all were supportive.  I actually stayed pretty private (but for the blog) and still it is difficult to hear people thoughts when they are opposed to the choices you have made.  With that said, we obviously wanted Michael and we miss him but we know we could never replace him.  Funny after Michael was born I remember thinking how much pain we were all in that I would obviously never want another child for fear of losing him or her again ~ but sometimes faith wins out over fear and here we are today expecting our "rainbow baby".

So I think perhaps I should explain, A rainbow baby, is usually a baby that is born after a loss.  I found this on a website about "Rainbow Babies" it is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

So there you have it, we are expecting our rainbow the beginning of May. I am officially in my second trimester and I have to admit, it is very difficult not to compare pregnancies.  We opted out of some of the earlier tests because honestly they all came back normal with Michael and the risk of them coming back abnormal given my age is pretty high and those abnormals are often false, so we are waiting until our "big" scan, which is right after Christmas.  We also opted out of the CVS because of the risk of miscarriage, so to say it is a little nerve wracking may be the understatement of the universe : ) but here we are praying for healthy. 

So many things so not matter this time.  All that matters is healthy, so please keep us in your prayers, because I am pretty much neurotic until further notice, if I told you any different, I would be telling a fib.  Our big scan is actually scheduled for December 28th, the day before Michael's birthday.  I have no idea if that is a good or a bad thing, but I had no desire for it to be on his birthday and honestly I did not want to do it before the holidays in case it was bad news.

If you are still following my blog, you may be wondering about the girls.  Well, that was pretty funny.  Morgan was very concerned about me and wanted to know if I was ever going to lose weight? So we told them and the first thing they asked was "Is this baby going to die too???" Tough question, but we are trying to be honest as we venture down this new journey with them.  They know we don't know, they know we are concerned and that we are hopeful.  As I have dealt with my grief I have met some incredible mothers that have carried to term their babies with fatal prognosis and many of these mothers are dealing with the same thoughts and fears.  Before I had Michael it just never occurred to me how many different things could possibly happen to an unborn baby. So please keep all of my rainbow mommas in your prayers.  I do not feel alone this time, but the fears are real and I am putting my faith in God that He will carry us all no matter what the outcome may be.