Neurotic until further notice...

Well I have not been writing much, but not because I have moved on, in fact it is quite the opposite.  I have however been somewhat struggling internally with what I feel is appropriate because I want this blog to be about Michael.  It became increasingly difficult to compare things to Michael as the days turned into months without feeling like I was not trying to hold on to him.  So as I venture into another journey with my family, I will try to be honest with where we are and what is happening in our lives. 

We dealt with a lot of opinions as we carried Michael despite his diagnosis and not all were supportive.  I actually stayed pretty private (but for the blog) and still it is difficult to hear people thoughts when they are opposed to the choices you have made.  With that said, we obviously wanted Michael and we miss him but we know we could never replace him.  Funny after Michael was born I remember thinking how much pain we were all in that I would obviously never want another child for fear of losing him or her again ~ but sometimes faith wins out over fear and here we are today expecting our "rainbow baby".

So I think perhaps I should explain, A rainbow baby, is usually a baby that is born after a loss.  I found this on a website about "Rainbow Babies" it is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

So there you have it, we are expecting our rainbow the beginning of May. I am officially in my second trimester and I have to admit, it is very difficult not to compare pregnancies.  We opted out of some of the earlier tests because honestly they all came back normal with Michael and the risk of them coming back abnormal given my age is pretty high and those abnormals are often false, so we are waiting until our "big" scan, which is right after Christmas.  We also opted out of the CVS because of the risk of miscarriage, so to say it is a little nerve wracking may be the understatement of the universe : ) but here we are praying for healthy. 

So many things so not matter this time.  All that matters is healthy, so please keep us in your prayers, because I am pretty much neurotic until further notice, if I told you any different, I would be telling a fib.  Our big scan is actually scheduled for December 28th, the day before Michael's birthday.  I have no idea if that is a good or a bad thing, but I had no desire for it to be on his birthday and honestly I did not want to do it before the holidays in case it was bad news.

If you are still following my blog, you may be wondering about the girls.  Well, that was pretty funny.  Morgan was very concerned about me and wanted to know if I was ever going to lose weight? So we told them and the first thing they asked was "Is this baby going to die too???" Tough question, but we are trying to be honest as we venture down this new journey with them.  They know we don't know, they know we are concerned and that we are hopeful.  As I have dealt with my grief I have met some incredible mothers that have carried to term their babies with fatal prognosis and many of these mothers are dealing with the same thoughts and fears.  Before I had Michael it just never occurred to me how many different things could possibly happen to an unborn baby. So please keep all of my rainbow mommas in your prayers.  I do not feel alone this time, but the fears are real and I am putting my faith in God that He will carry us all no matter what the outcome may be.