Poppy

Today is a new chapter in my life that I must say I am not looking forward to.  My father is very sick. We call him poppy.   My father has always been a strong man - perhaps every little girl thinks of daddy as big and strong, but I still remember him putting things together for me and catching fish on our summer vacations.  I remember him always being there when I did a stupid thing or two...  Anyways, he had a massive heart attack about 7 years ago and we have been blessed with 7 additional years and here we are today faced with the big "C", you know the word you only whisper in hopes that maybe it will disappear.  Well, he was certainly hoping it would disappear and I can not say I blame him.  This morning he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon and liver cancer. Stage 4 - that sounds pretty awful.  I stewed most of the afternoon and finally I got to talk with him and he said, "don't worry baby I still have a dance or two left in me." I said, "you better poppy." and he said of course I do...your always going to be my little girl."  Ok, I lost it, couldn't talk I still can't.  How does this happen? Why is this a reality and I suppose I really took his existence for granted.  One of my closest friend lost her father unexpectedly a few days before Trey was born in fact she buried her father the day Trey was born and I was talking to her earlier and she said, you know you are lucky in the sense that you have time to say your goodbyes and she is right and yet I really hate that he is scared and I really really hate seeing him suffer.  So here we go and I am praying and hoping for a little bit longer with this big ole teddy bear of a man we all love...  Poppy  playintheodds.blogspot.com

Happy Birthday!

I have to say having a rainbow brought with it many emotions I was not sure how to deal with.  We are over the moon in love with this little guy and I am not taking any of it for granted I promise.  I am pretty tired and not complaining because he is here, he is healthy and we are blessed.  His sisters are over the moon in love.

His daddy likes him a little too...

Now to my defense, things did get a little bananas...  I went to my regular appointment and my blood pressure was pretty high so my doctors decided to induce me a few weeks early.  I checked in and pitocin was started around noon.  His heart rate dipped a few times but oxygen was added and I turned on my side and all was well. His birth was very peaceful and he came out screaming!!! Music to our ears.  My sister in law had just picked up the girls from school and they all walked in a few minutes before he was born, it was just perfect timing.  We went home a few days later and my blood pressure went through the roof a few days after that and I ended up back in the hospital.  That was hard on everyone.  I am still on blood pressure medicine, but I am being slowly weened off.  Trey is doing well.  He does not sleep for long periods of time, but we are smitten and I will sleep in a few years.

Our little man...

With love, we welcome William Lee Ketchersid April 25th, 2011 at 6lbs, 14oz and 20 inches long

We are getting close...

Well, we are certainly getting close - I go to the doctor on Monday and I keep expecting the other shoe to drop.  On one hand I am ready, on the other I am scared to death.  Weird I know.  I am scared of the obvious, that he will die, I am also afraid (because we did not test) of chromosonal problems.  This is a true concern of mine for many different reasons, but he is measuring the smallest so far of all my babies and we are having weekly ultrasounds at this point.  His femurs are measuring a little more than a week behind the rest of his body, but really that is his only "marker". 

My last appointment - my doctor (whom I really like) told me that they want to induce me at 39 weeks if I do not go into labor on my own this week.  Ok, I initially thought, but then he told me why.  I put on my big girl panties and I heard him, but I really do not like to put on my big girl panties because sometimes they are not very (ehh hmmm) comfy.  Anyways, he told me given my advanced maternal age, coupled with my hypertension and my mthfr gene mutation - "well, sometimes those babies just die at the end". Really? Could you not candy coat it a little bit???  I know, I know, but sheesh!  He also told me that I am running a rish of having a c-section this time if the induction fails.  Ok, he is just a ray of sunshine huh???

So please say a little prayer for a safe delivery and for me to go into labor on my own, because I am a little neurotic anyways this time : )  and Happy Easter!!!

A NEW kind of nesting

I remember when my first child was born.  All those years ago, I remember everything being ready to bring her home and sitting quietly in her room dreaming of what it would be like.  I remember that quiet as if it were yesterday, it was bliss.  Clothes were washed and put away perfectly.  It is a little different this time.  I am actually going through clothes, but not baby clothes.  I have some sort of internal struggle going on right now, knowing I should prepare and wanting to prepare and being afraid to prepare.  Other mommy's I have talked with that have experienced that kind of loss seem to have similar feelings.  It is a strange place to be because these rainbow babies hold a very special  place in this world and it is certainly not that we are not excited ~ because that is so far from the truth, but perhaps it is out of fear or maybe it is because I now know the stuff is not nearly as important as the package we ultimately get to bring home.  I think somehow I am trying to protect my heart.  As if coming home with out a baby after bonding with him inside of me under any circumstance would be made easier because I did not have stuff...  Silly brain, it is impossible to turn it off.  With Michael, I know that coming home and not being pregnant and not having any reminders around the house actually in some ways made it harder.  That quiet.  Knowing it should not be quiet...that was not bliss.

Our Rainbow...

Ok I am going to give this a whirl because that US tech was so nice I want to share with you.  The umbilical cord is up by his head and he is kind of folded up like a taco, so some of it looks distorted, but he has his daddy's lips that is a for sure!!! 

Well it is bedrest again...

So I have been confined to the parameters of my bed (again) and so I write...  Yesterday my blood pressure went through the roof! It was in the neighborhood of 157/115 so I had to go to the hospital to be monitored and for labs, but in reality its not so bad because (a little happy dance here) I had no bad stuff in my labs (like protein- so my kidneys are working properly) and just getting off my feet made it drop to 120/65 within about an hour without medicine, so we are good, just a little extra time to do nothing.  The other good news is he looks great and I got to see a 3D ultrasound and he really looks like his daddy.  He has the same pouty lips.  I wish I knew how to put the pictures up (I will work on that later).  So I am a little nervous I am not going to lie, he is breech and I know he can move, but we are getting close now.  I am completely not prepared for our new addition thinking I still had plenty of time, but I did order cradle bedding.  Nothing for the crib yet, but we will get there.  Here is a picture of his cradle bedding...

My little pony...

Ok, so I have to admit on some levels I think I was afraid to post too much here - because this is Michael's blog.  I do not want to ever take away from him, but his story is not over as I would not be having my rainbow baby if it were not for Michael.  So here I am 29 weeks pregnant - and huge!!!  I have never been this huge.  I am so going to try to enjoy the time I have left because this is most certainly the last time in my life I will experience this.  Having him wiggle worm all over right now (and he is...I think perhaps he is trying to walk).  I love all the little hiccups. I forgot about that and Michael never had the hiccups or if he did, I did not feel them because of ALL the fluid around him, but this little guy absolutely has the hiccups a few times a day and he loves to move.  Not sure if that is a good or bad thing but when I am sleeping or tired, he is not. 

The reality is setting in that we are really doing this again.  I still have some fears as I said earlier, we did not do an amnio this time so we are certainly facing some possibilities and my next appointment is March 1st with the specialists doing another echo.  I have a love hate relationship with Dr. Google and apparently sometimes at the 20 week scan they do not catch things because the heart is just so tiny, but especially with trisomy babies, they will usually see things on that 30 week scan, so please keep us in your prayers as I feel like that is another hurdle we need to get past and I feel like we will. I keep thinking drama free, drama free...

It is a long road...

Sometimes I feel paralyzed ~ weird I know, as I think I could psychoanalyze my feelings to death, but the reality is having a baby after losing one, is pretty tough emotionally.  The feelings I have are so overwhelming.  I am thankful, I am scared, I am sad, I am happy, I am tired, I am afraid to complain and yet the reality is some days are pretty miserable.

Last week, I went to the doctor and the nurse was concerned because my little guys heart rate was low.  I was sitting in there alone and every fear I had just came rushing in and all around me.  I know too well all of the things that can go wrong. I know this sounds bad, but in the spirit of honesty I have to report that I know I must trust in God, but the reality is that didn't work out so super last time.  So anyways, they took me back for a quick ultrasound and his heart rate was perfect and you could see hair and see that he is in fact still a boy.  I am so glad they did an ultrasound, but the fact is until I have him in my arms I am going to worry and there is no way around that. 

Last week was also Valentines Day and my sweet Abbi got me this sweet book to read to the baby and I seriously had to take a deep breath, it was one of those moments of panic ~ what if... what if I don't get to bring him home, what if I get there hopes up and break there hearts again, what if, what if, what if...  I have done absolutely zero to prepare for this baby and I know it is based in my own insecurities.  I did register at Target this week and that was a feat.  My sister in law is throwing us a shower and that is probably a very good thing.  I have been having really weird dreams too.  I am trying to be honest and not sound like a nut job, but I hope other rainbow mommies in my shoes maybe can somehow relate : )