A NEW kind of nesting

I remember when my first child was born.  All those years ago, I remember everything being ready to bring her home and sitting quietly in her room dreaming of what it would be like.  I remember that quiet as if it were yesterday, it was bliss.  Clothes were washed and put away perfectly.  It is a little different this time.  I am actually going through clothes, but not baby clothes.  I have some sort of internal struggle going on right now, knowing I should prepare and wanting to prepare and being afraid to prepare.  Other mommy's I have talked with that have experienced that kind of loss seem to have similar feelings.  It is a strange place to be because these rainbow babies hold a very special  place in this world and it is certainly not that we are not excited ~ because that is so far from the truth, but perhaps it is out of fear or maybe it is because I now know the stuff is not nearly as important as the package we ultimately get to bring home.  I think somehow I am trying to protect my heart.  As if coming home with out a baby after bonding with him inside of me under any circumstance would be made easier because I did not have stuff...  Silly brain, it is impossible to turn it off.  With Michael, I know that coming home and not being pregnant and not having any reminders around the house actually in some ways made it harder.  That quiet.  Knowing it should not be quiet...that was not bliss.