On the night you were born...

So it has been awhile - actually I have written several times, but none have ever seemed worthy of posting.  I suppose I semi retired Michael's blog. Weird I know, but today I feel like it is the day to post.  Every year we light fireworks or set off a lantern and perform some small RAOK (random act of kindness) - it's a fun way to remember his birth and as a babyloss mother, it's really all I can do, that is one of the hard parts - there's no one to take care of, nothing to take care of, so this is something we can do and it makes someone else happy too...

Watching Michael's lantern float away

Super Wyatt - Michael's little brother, our suprise rainbow "pot of gold"

Amazing Destin Sunset - just for tour 4th Heavenly Birthday

Dear Michael,

today would have been your fourth birthday.  I imagine you healthy and whole as I know you now are.  I do have a few regrets and I would be lying to say I have not struggled. Some things were certainly predictable - disappointment, anger, guilt, sadness - I am confident that I have experienced them all and 4 years later - I need to write this because maybe, just maybe this may help someone who needs it and maybe that someone is me...

There are many things I have learned over the years, one is I have a tremendous amount of guilt that I have carried around, for a long time.  The logical side of me knows I did everything I could and made choices based on what was happening with you and myself, but the mother in me still wonders - what if... what if I had insisted on a c-section, insisted on an amnio reduction, what if I had found some of these awesome internet based support groups sooner, would I have been a stronger advocate? Maybe, but maybe the result would be the same and regardless as I watch in awe of these amazing mothers and fathers struggle with their special needs children, would I have been strong enough to handle taking care of you? Living in constant fear of everything, from feeding tubes to breathing tubes, I don't know, but I can say that I wish I had the chance.  I wish I could have held you a little bit longer and little closer.

I remember the day and the moment you were born as if it were yesterday - the deafening silence of your birth, no crying, no celebration, no first anything.  I still think of you daily, but especially on Holidays, you are always missing, you were not nor could you ever be replaced and you will always be missed.

Being a mother to an angel is a tough job.  Not the toughest, but it is pretty rough.  I have a responsibility to my family to be happy and I can honestly say that having lost you made me realize how blessed I am to have your older sisters and little brothers.  I never imagined that this could ever happen to me - never.  It did, and although I realize it did for a reason, what kind of crap reason could that be??? I have met some amazing people along the way, some people that have also gone through this and quite a few that I didn't even realize our sad bond, but I realize now that I am nowhere near alone.  I wish I were, but this happens too often..  The internet is a powerful tool in allowing families to share and to heal and for this I am also thankful.

Your little brothers know about you and they speak about you being in heaven often (well Trey does, Wyatt doesn't say anything yet).  I keep your ashes in a special private spot - I am pretty protective of your memory and I try as best as I can to make sure you are not forgotten.  In time we will all be forgotten, but while I am still here, I will make sure I speak your name and preserve your memory.  You are part of a big crazy family and in time you will see us all.

I wish I dreamt of you more, but know that I am happy and although I miss you, I will always be thankful for every moment and I will always take this day to remember happy things.  Your kicks.  Your pouty little lips. Your long skinny legs. Your dark thick hair. Your perfect little toes. Your soft baby skin. Your tiny little perfect fingers and your baby button nose.  For this I am thankful, for NILMDTS I am thankful. Time does not heal all wounds, but it does add clarity.   I will always occasionally shed a tear - I think that is ok.

Love,
Mommy

Poppy

Today is a new chapter in my life that I must say I am not looking forward to.  My father is very sick. We call him poppy.   My father has always been a strong man - perhaps every little girl thinks of daddy as big and strong, but I still remember him putting things together for me and catching fish on our summer vacations.  I remember him always being there when I did a stupid thing or two...  Anyways, he had a massive heart attack about 7 years ago and we have been blessed with 7 additional years and here we are today faced with the big "C", you know the word you only whisper in hopes that maybe it will disappear.  Well, he was certainly hoping it would disappear and I can not say I blame him.  This morning he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon and liver cancer. Stage 4 - that sounds pretty awful.  I stewed most of the afternoon and finally I got to talk with him and he said, "don't worry baby I still have a dance or two left in me." I said, "you better poppy." and he said of course I do...your always going to be my little girl."  Ok, I lost it, couldn't talk I still can't.  How does this happen? Why is this a reality and I suppose I really took his existence for granted.  One of my closest friend lost her father unexpectedly a few days before Trey was born in fact she buried her father the day Trey was born and I was talking to her earlier and she said, you know you are lucky in the sense that you have time to say your goodbyes and she is right and yet I really hate that he is scared and I really really hate seeing him suffer.  So here we go and I am praying and hoping for a little bit longer with this big ole teddy bear of a man we all love...  Poppy  playintheodds.blogspot.com

Happy Birthday!

I have to say having a rainbow brought with it many emotions I was not sure how to deal with.  We are over the moon in love with this little guy and I am not taking any of it for granted I promise.  I am pretty tired and not complaining because he is here, he is healthy and we are blessed.  His sisters are over the moon in love.

His daddy likes him a little too...

Now to my defense, things did get a little bananas...  I went to my regular appointment and my blood pressure was pretty high so my doctors decided to induce me a few weeks early.  I checked in and pitocin was started around noon.  His heart rate dipped a few times but oxygen was added and I turned on my side and all was well. His birth was very peaceful and he came out screaming!!! Music to our ears.  My sister in law had just picked up the girls from school and they all walked in a few minutes before he was born, it was just perfect timing.  We went home a few days later and my blood pressure went through the roof a few days after that and I ended up back in the hospital.  That was hard on everyone.  I am still on blood pressure medicine, but I am being slowly weened off.  Trey is doing well.  He does not sleep for long periods of time, but we are smitten and I will sleep in a few years.

Our little man...

With love, we welcome William Lee Ketchersid April 25th, 2011 at 6lbs, 14oz and 20 inches long

We are getting close...

Well, we are certainly getting close - I go to the doctor on Monday and I keep expecting the other shoe to drop.  On one hand I am ready, on the other I am scared to death.  Weird I know.  I am scared of the obvious, that he will die, I am also afraid (because we did not test) of chromosonal problems.  This is a true concern of mine for many different reasons, but he is measuring the smallest so far of all my babies and we are having weekly ultrasounds at this point.  His femurs are measuring a little more than a week behind the rest of his body, but really that is his only "marker". 

My last appointment - my doctor (whom I really like) told me that they want to induce me at 39 weeks if I do not go into labor on my own this week.  Ok, I initially thought, but then he told me why.  I put on my big girl panties and I heard him, but I really do not like to put on my big girl panties because sometimes they are not very (ehh hmmm) comfy.  Anyways, he told me given my advanced maternal age, coupled with my hypertension and my mthfr gene mutation - "well, sometimes those babies just die at the end". Really? Could you not candy coat it a little bit???  I know, I know, but sheesh!  He also told me that I am running a rish of having a c-section this time if the induction fails.  Ok, he is just a ray of sunshine huh???

So please say a little prayer for a safe delivery and for me to go into labor on my own, because I am a little neurotic anyways this time : )  and Happy Easter!!!

A NEW kind of nesting

I remember when my first child was born.  All those years ago, I remember everything being ready to bring her home and sitting quietly in her room dreaming of what it would be like.  I remember that quiet as if it were yesterday, it was bliss.  Clothes were washed and put away perfectly.  It is a little different this time.  I am actually going through clothes, but not baby clothes.  I have some sort of internal struggle going on right now, knowing I should prepare and wanting to prepare and being afraid to prepare.  Other mommy's I have talked with that have experienced that kind of loss seem to have similar feelings.  It is a strange place to be because these rainbow babies hold a very special  place in this world and it is certainly not that we are not excited ~ because that is so far from the truth, but perhaps it is out of fear or maybe it is because I now know the stuff is not nearly as important as the package we ultimately get to bring home.  I think somehow I am trying to protect my heart.  As if coming home with out a baby after bonding with him inside of me under any circumstance would be made easier because I did not have stuff...  Silly brain, it is impossible to turn it off.  With Michael, I know that coming home and not being pregnant and not having any reminders around the house actually in some ways made it harder.  That quiet.  Knowing it should not be quiet...that was not bliss.

Our Rainbow...

Ok I am going to give this a whirl because that US tech was so nice I want to share with you.  The umbilical cord is up by his head and he is kind of folded up like a taco, so some of it looks distorted, but he has his daddy's lips that is a for sure!!!