St Jude's

Just a quick note to thank my Aunt and Uncle for donating to St Jude in Michael's name. I just got this yesterday and it is an organization near and dear to my heart.  

http://www.stjude.org/

It means so much to us that he is remembered and for this, I can not thank everyone enough. 

Disappointment

OK, so I have to admit, it is strange, one moment I think I am ok and then something seemingly small will happen and I realize how distant a memory Michael is becoming for many. Not for me... Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is such a wonderful organization, but my experience has made me sad. I counted on them to take pictures, so I didn't really take any and it has been over 2 months now and I don't have pictures or a fun slide show : ( After sending several emails I just got an email back tonight from someone else telling me I will have pictures in a few more weeks. I know things happen, but as medical bills pour in and people continually move on (business is business) this is just one more reminder of how seemingly unimportant our journey is or was to many. Perhaps my expectations were unreasonable, but when you are expecting something like pictures of your baby that is dead, gone, it feels like we were just forgotten. It is a volunteer group, so you can't really complain? We had three photographers and I suppose I just don't understand, or maybe I fear more disappointment...

Michael's Due Date

Out of the mouth of a Morgan

So it is Sunday morning and I am writing this fairly quickly because I am literally in between dropping the kids off at church class and going back to retrieve them... This morning as I was brushing Morgan's hair to go to church she started talking about Michael. Now please understand that Michael comes up on a daily basis, but Morgan, when she wants to talk about anything, she takes it to a whole new level. She is my talker, my questioner and virtually relentless in her quest no matter what it is. She wanted to go to her savings account and get all her money to donate to the American Heart Association in Michael's name so that maybe other babies with his condition (she knew he had problems with his heart) would not have to die. She then asked if she could hold him in heaven and what he would look like and (this child can talk...) she wanted to know if she would recognize him in heaven and if he would recognize her and if I was going to be cremated or buried and then she proceeded to tell me that maybe we would see Michael here again because, maybe he would be here for the rapture... then she wanted to know what would have happened if they would have drained the fluid around him instead of breaking my water... She really is something but this is all pretty normal for her, but what she did say and it really struck me as very important (it is all important, but if you were talking with Morgan you would truely understand most of her questions are matter of fact, she is really just asking).

So this next zinger I did not even have to read between the lines, she said, "Mommy, I am really glad you are not really really sad anymore." I said, "Of course you know I miss Micheal, and I will never forget him?" She said, "Yes, but mommy I was worried that if you were really, really sad, that God would come take you to be with Michael." Now the reason I write this is because - I feel so blessed to be surrounded by these very important reminders. You see sometimes, I feel very guilty for not being more "sad". I do grieve and I think of him everyday and sometimes it does make me cry, but for the most part, I am happy. So, this was my gift today. My moments of peacefullness through all of this have made their journey a little easier and in turn that makes me a little more peaceful...

The Memory Keeper

I got this amazing necklace from the String of Pearls Saturday night - right before Valentines day. I love it and want to share it with you. I love pearls as they are somewhat symbolic for me anyways. They are a symbol that God can take something seemingly imperfect and turn it into perfection. Thank you Laura!!!

I have been contemplating the fact that I have not been posting much and it occurred to me this morning why I have not been posting. I know people do not like to be around people that are sad. I think for me when I post, when I blog, it usually a means to express my thoughts and often my grief. So perhaps admitting I am still grieving is just hard. I don't like to be around sad me. This is exactly why I need to continue. Michael has been gone less than 2 months.

I am not a big believer in coincidence, so stay with me here because this is a bit of a mental exercise/journey. I am not alone, and I feel it today, and I feel comfort in this part of my journey.

I love hot tea, so Sunday night I ran over to the Starbucks inside Barnes and Noble and got a tea. I was meandering around waiting for Abbi and Morgan to go potty... I picked up a book. Not really a big surprise as I am inside a book store. I have been reading a few books lately, but no stories. So, the book I picked up was The Memory Keepers Daughter. I read the back and it was about a mother giving birth to twins and one has downs and that was all I saw. I did not look very close in fact I put it back down and for some reason I picked it back up and told Bill I was going to get this book because I wanted to read a story - instead of reflecting. My reasoning for this being, I love getting lost in a story and I wanted to get away from my "self help" books about grief for a little while. So I went home and put it on my night stand. Monday the girls were home from school, Tuesday I had catching up with work from the office and Wednesday I had class all day and then who knows soccer, cleaning, feeding turtles, guinea pigs and dogs... After the girls went to bed, I picked up the book and started reading. Pretty good book - but coincidentally, it is about a mothers journey grieving the death of her daughter, because the mother thinks her daughter died at birth. She did not die, but the mother thinks she died. I am only probably 1/4th of the way into the book, but earlier in the day, the girls were teasing each other on the way to softball practice (this happens constantly right now) and Abbi was telling Morgan she had travelled to more places than she had. I really was just listening and then I figured out what she was talking about. I travelled quite a bit early on in my pregnancy with Abbi. I went to the Bahamas, Ireland, England, Scotland and Wales. Morgan was very upset by this and it made me smile at such silliness, but it also made me reflect a little on Michael. We had many quiet days where I would talk to him and just watch him kick and squirm, but in this book - there were 2 parts in particular that stuck, so far - one is the mother is talking about her belly and wondering if her baby can see light permeating through her skin as babies are supposedly able to towards the end of a pregnancy. I thought about laying in bed with my belly exposed and I often wondered the same thing. There is also a point in the book where they are moving from the house the mother was pregnant in and she is struggling with the thought of moving because the house they are moving from is the only connection she has to her daughter. She thinks her daughter was born still and the point of this is how comforting this is as it is a reminder of how very much alive Michael was inside of me. I am happy I was able to celebrate his life in the way we did. I feel very blessed to have been on bedrest, to have had that time to be quiet and alone with him.

Goodbye Doctors

Well this week was my official, last doctor appointment and I had to take a few days to digest. I am not sure how I feel yet. I still do not have the pictures back from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and that is kind of weighing on me for some reason, but honestly I know they will come at some point, but because they were there I can't help but be anxious. It is really all I have left and I want to make a memory book, but I can't until I have pictures...

My doctor was very kind this week, she asked if we were going to try again and I told her I was scared. We obviously wanted Michael, and I obviously do not want to replace him. The genetic counselor assured us we are not carriers and the chances of a male trisomy 18 baby not miscarrying were very slim, which is the proverbial lightening strike. Well, I have some thinking and praying to do...because lightening scares me...

Gratitude

Yesterday I was listening to Zig Ziglar in person and I was struck by the love of his family. It brought me back to a conversation I had yesterday with my friend Stephanie. She pointed out that God is so present in our lives because she knows me SO well, she knows this is how we made it through our journey. I am not always good at explaining or even knowing how I feel, but immediately I felt gratitude because I know she is right.

About 3 years ago Zig Ziglar fell and suffered a brain injury which affects his short term memory, so he repeats things. Regardless, he is an amazing speaker and still enjoys sharing with people so his daughter now travels with him along with his wife of 63 years and he still makes occasional appearances. The love that family shares is absolutely infectious, but Mr. Ziglar did repeat himself a few times, but what struck me again was what he repeated. He kept speaking of home court advantage - and how gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions and it makes fear disappear. After he said it the second time, his daughter whom was standing next to him on the stage, smiled and said, ok, when he repeats himself usually someone needs to hear what he said and I think she was right, and but certainly not just me. I keep thinking about the gratitude I have for God carrying us and for my family, because clearly my friend is right, there is no way I could walk that road alone. I am certain no one can. I am so blessed to have the family and friends that I have. I am blessed to have had Michael and even though I miss him terribly and would prefer to have in my arms, I have mostly moments of peace, but not regret.

It has been a month tomorrow since Michael died and I have to admit it often seems like it was so long ago and that breaks my heart a little, but the girls talk about him daily. All my maternity clothes have been packed up for weeks and for that I have gratitude. I have not lost my baby weight, but my body is actually back to "normal" again whatever that is :~) For all of these things I have gratitude. To be honest sometimes I hit a brick wall and I can never quite measure why or when because sometimes grief is so unexpected and so uninvited. The women I talk with that have lost there babies keep me and feel my pain, because as many of them have pointed out it is so hard to predict what may trigger moments of grief.