Sometimes, I really do want to write and yet sometimes, it is almost harder to write then it is to try to repress what I may have to feel. Again, I write this in hopes that maybe someday, someone will read this and it will help. Even if it is just one person. It will be Michael's heavenly birthday in 3 days. 3 days and sometimes it feels like it was soooo long ago and other days it seems like it was just yesterday. Sadly, I figured out one of my major triggers is sitting at church. I almost always have to fight back tears at church. Now, I have not completely figured out what that means, but it is true. Sometimes I can not fight back the tears and it is just rough (and embarrassing).
Christmas Eve was hard, but Christmas day was peaceful. Perhaps the anticipation of potential sadness is what I feared and knowing this would have been Michael's First Christmas is possibly just a little overwhelming. Christmas morning one of my daughters best friends mother died. We knew it was coming, but that does not make it any easier and she was about my age. I just know leaving her family had to be sooooo hard. Of all days, of all times of the year in general...
I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular
please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS
WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare
with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you
of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description
to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS
WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR
or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS
WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face
I'll ask him to lift your spirit
as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER
as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
and I’m walking WITH THE KING.
By Wanda Bencke
Here is the kicker ~ a year later and I know I am blessed to have carried Michael and I am blessed to be pregnant again, but I have to be honest, I am not really all that satisfied with how things turned out. I do not understand how in any way shape form or fashion this was helpful. I know things happen for a reason, but the death of a baby, what reason is that??? I also find myself worrying of course about lightening striking twice and breaking my children's hearts. I think having to tell them bad news again is more than I could possibly handle. When you have been down this horrible road, you think it couldn't happen again, but it could, we know we are not somehow protected because it already happened, we know that no matter how hard we want something or pray for something it doesn't always work out.
On some crazy level, I must be superstitious because I am afraid to talk about this baby, we have not even talked about names, I almost do not want to know what the sex of this baby is, not because I am not excited or do not want this baby, but basic psychology tells me I am trying to protect my heart. EVERY time I catch a glimpse of my car clock it always has matching numbers, like it will be 10:10 or 2:22 even my odometer read 11111 today when I parked, and I know it is nuts (really I am ok with that) but what does that mean? (besides I have lost my mind)
So, then in my obsessive googling quest the other night, I ran across a blog that was pretty leveling. I hate to say someones misfortune made me feel less unfortunate, but it is true. It was not a babyloss blog per say, but is was a young OB/GYN doctors blog about her journey to an impoverished town and the women that had losses and even died giving birth as if we were back in medieval times because of very treatable and preventable things. I will find it and post it here, but these are real life horror stories and not mitigating our loss that is still, very real, but is is a different perspective for sure.
Emotionally Christmas is difficult for a lot of people and I certainly understand now more than ever, but it is Christmas and I always want this to be a special time of the year for all of my children, so essentially I am hunting for my happy place right now and they are my happy place. Of course Michael's birthday is in three days and that coupled with my "big" ultrasound in 2 days, I am absolutely a little bananas : ) so keep us in your thoughts and prayers for the next few days and I promise I will post the results of the "big" ultrasound Tuesday night.
