Yesterday I was listening to Zig Ziglar in person and I was struck by the love of his family. It brought me back to a conversation I had yesterday with my friend Stephanie. She pointed out that God is so present in our lives because she knows me SO well, she knows this is how we made it through our journey. I am not always good at explaining or even knowing how I feel, but immediately I felt gratitude because I know she is right.
About 3 years ago Zig Ziglar fell and suffered a brain injury which affects his short term memory, so he repeats things. Regardless, he is an amazing speaker and still enjoys sharing with people so his daughter now travels with him along with his wife of 63 years and he still makes occasional appearances. The love that family shares is absolutely infectious, but Mr. Ziglar did repeat himself a few times, but what struck me again was what he repeated. He kept speaking of home court advantage - and how gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions and it makes fear disappear. After he said it the second time, his daughter whom was standing next to him on the stage, smiled and said, ok, when he repeats himself usually someone needs to hear what he said and I think she was right, and but certainly not just me. I keep thinking about the gratitude I have for God carrying us and for my family, because clearly my friend is right, there is no way I could walk that road alone. I am certain no one can. I am so blessed to have the family and friends that I have. I am blessed to have had Michael and even though I miss him terribly and would prefer to have in my arms, I have mostly moments of peace, but not regret.
It has been a month tomorrow since Michael died and I have to admit it often seems like it was so long ago and that breaks my heart a little, but the girls talk about him daily. All my maternity clothes have been packed up for weeks and for that I have gratitude. I have not lost my baby weight, but my body is actually back to "normal" again whatever that is :~) For all of these things I have gratitude. To be honest sometimes I hit a brick wall and I can never quite measure why or when because sometimes grief is so unexpected and so uninvited. The women I talk with that have lost there babies keep me and feel my pain, because as many of them have pointed out it is so hard to predict what may trigger moments of grief.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
A Pair of Shoes
About a week after we received the results regarding Michael, I kept thinking over and over - that I do not like my shoes ~ metaphorically speaking. Today as I read this poem it made me smile. I feel like I have come a long way, but still sometimes when I look in the mirror, I can not help but think, did that really happen? Is he really gone? I will forever be a mother whose baby died, I lost my only son and some days I just do not like my shoes.
I was shopping with Abbi the other day and I was returning an outfit and I mentioned to the clerk that I was having a really hard time finding clothes that fit right now because I just had a baby recently - really not thinking, or perhaps being comfortable in my shoes for a moment. Then, I realized what door I had opened. The clerk politely asked me if I had a boy or a girl... I told her a boy and she then congratulated me. I am pretty certain I looked like a deer in the headlights. I said thank you and quickly changed subjects. She probably thought I was crazy or extremely hormonal, little does she know I spared her from what was really inside my head. Abbi did not miss any of this and as soon as we got in the car, she quickly pointed out the clerk obviously thought Michael was still alive. I smiled, stroked her hair and said yes she did, BUT, I did not cry. Maybe, I am learning to wear my shoes. I still miss him and I still cry sometimes, some days more than others. I struggle daily with trying to be strong and keeping a healthy balance of honoring Michael's life.
A Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
I was shopping with Abbi the other day and I was returning an outfit and I mentioned to the clerk that I was having a really hard time finding clothes that fit right now because I just had a baby recently - really not thinking, or perhaps being comfortable in my shoes for a moment. Then, I realized what door I had opened. The clerk politely asked me if I had a boy or a girl... I told her a boy and she then congratulated me. I am pretty certain I looked like a deer in the headlights. I said thank you and quickly changed subjects. She probably thought I was crazy or extremely hormonal, little does she know I spared her from what was really inside my head. Abbi did not miss any of this and as soon as we got in the car, she quickly pointed out the clerk obviously thought Michael was still alive. I smiled, stroked her hair and said yes she did, BUT, I did not cry. Maybe, I am learning to wear my shoes. I still miss him and I still cry sometimes, some days more than others. I struggle daily with trying to be strong and keeping a healthy balance of honoring Michael's life.
A Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday night my brother and sister in law took us out to eat to celebrate an award my husband is receiving and I got to sit next to my nephew, remember that he is 4. I love 4 - it's still very honest and so innocent and really funny. Keep in mind, he has seen me multiple times since Michael was born and his parents of course have talked with him about Michael. Anyways, we are talking about his dinosaur he brought to dinner and we are discussing the things his dinosaur eats (like paper - of course) and then he stops mid-sentence looks at me and says, "Did you have baby Michael yet?" I said yes I did and then he asks, well what did you do with him? So, I told him that Michael died and he was in heaven now (hoping he wasn't literally asking). Morgan was sitting on the other side of him and she added that he was born into heaven and he seemed ok with that. I asked him if he was ok with that and he assured me that he was. It was very sweet and it occurred to me later that he knew all of the answers to his questions before he asked them. I wasn't answering some delicate question, I was more than likely being tested by my sweet nephew to see how I would react. I have noticed this with my children as well. Michael is never very far from my thoughts. Of course, I would rather still have him and sometimes when the girls ask hard questions, like why did God give us a baby we can't keep? Those same questions creep into my head as well. I know they are normal questions, I just hope I can answer them in a way that makes some sense.
Bill and I were discussing this Psalm last night.
Psalm 138:8
The Lord will fullfill His purpose for me; your love O Lord endures forever
- do not abandon the works of your hands.
It does seem so fitting right now. Michael's life has been such a blessing in my life, no matter how brief.
So earlier, while I was doing Morgan's hair, she asked me if Michael was back yet...well, that was one of those dreaded triggers that causes my turtle like charm. I told her maybe, but that I was not prepared for that yet. Bill and Abbi walked in at that moment so she asked him. She was not upset, she just wanted to make sure we told her. So Bill said he was not sure if I was ready for that and Abbi is a lot like me in that sense so she looked at me with knowing eyes. Bill told Morgan that he had Michael and she really, really wanted to hold the urn, so he went into his closet (he has a big walk in closet with a safe so they went in there together) and I peaked around the corner and Abbi was on the floor peering through a crack in the door and that was my que, I knew at that moment she really wanted to see the urn. Really, once I knew Bill had the urn, I had some sense of peace that I did not expect. So I walked around the corner and opened his door and told him I was ready. So we all held this super teeny tiny heavy marble box with Michael's ashes I teared up for a moment and then we all kept going. The rest of the day was "moment free". Morgan is my talker (you have probably figured that out), but she asks A LOT of questions and they usually make me laugh, but sometimes they make me think, She asked me if it was ok to be sad or if it was ok to not be sad and I told her both. I told her that I was sad sometimes, but that I did not want to be sad too much because I know Michael does not want us to be sad and that I did not want them to be sad either. I told her that I knew I was blessed and she liked that.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Once in a Blue Moon
Well, honesty is so hard sometimes and not because I want to be dishonest, but because I sometimes just don't want to face reality. I do this a lot. Michael did not bring this about, he has just helped me become more aware of my turtle like ability. For example, I knew that Michael's ashes were ready and they were being delivered this week, actually on Abbi's birthday, but I could not deal with that, not on her birthday. I knew I would forever merge those 2 dates in my head. I did it with Michael's funeral. He was laid to rest on New Years day under a "blue moon". Luckily the blue moon part on New Years eve really does only happen once in a blue moon... I can assure you that I will remember his birthdate, his born into heaven date as we call it in our house and I will silently remember his funeral and the day we bring him home. I told Bill, not on her birthday, her birthday was 2 days ago and I am officially torturing myself over not knowing where he is and not allowing him to be at home with us yet or asking Bill where he is keeping him until his emotional wife is able to cope like a grown up. So, while I am actually doing pretty well, I have some issues I am still working on. The funny part, is that I know Michael is in not here. I know God knew Michael before he was born and that he is at peace, but the mommy in me still wants to take care of him.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Trying to find a new "normal".
This week, was hard for me to write, again I do not know why. Felix's funeral was Friday and we all went. The girls were pretty good, a little teary, but normal, not more or less than I would expect. Morgan drew a picture of her sad and Felix happy, but both had tears, so I think she is still sad, but she is letting me know she understands on her level. After the funeral we all went out to eat and then drove home. I had (as Bill calls them) a moment and as my husband always does, he held my hand and let me know it was ok.
On a happy note, Bill had a weekend planned with his friends for months to celebrate his old college roomates 40th birthday in New Orleans. He was reluctant to go and leave me, but Morgan had plans to spend the weekend with her little friend and Abbi had a soccer tournament and then had her friend over for pizza and a movie and then she crawled in bed with me and we watched Harry Potter for the 100th time. So it was a good weekend.
Yesterday, I went back to church which was good for me. I almost had a "moment" in church, but then just at that moment, the lady next to me started to sing REALLY loud and really, really off key. It was a new moment and even Abbi was trying not to laugh. It was perfect and a reminder that normal is on the horizon. After church Abbi and I ran to breakfast and next door to the breakfast place was a pottery place and Abbi begged me to go, she wanted to paint something to remind her of Michael. She knows it is difficult for me to argue with that right now. So we went in and looked around and to my surprise, they had these little ornaments that String of Pearls had sent us for Michael. I almost forgot, my daughters had painted Michael's feet and made little footprints on these ornaments. We went home to get the ornaments and took them back to this store us in hopes they would glaze and fire them for us. The nice clerk there was not all that happy about doing it, but Abbi and I both picked out additional pottery to paint and begged her. We explained the situation and I am sure she was scared to do it. Imagine this is the the only print of our sons feet that we have and what if they mess them up. So I do not think they were being mean, I think they were being careful. I tried to assure this woman we understood, so we shall see, I will let you know Wednesday when I go back to pick them up if they did it.
So we are working towards finding a new normal. I am not completely sure what that is, but I think we are doing well. I actually think a lot of things, but what I can say with certainty is that Michael is never far from my thoughts. I miss him and I am grateful for the time I had with him. I am grateful today that I was given the opportunity to make ornaments and get some pictures and to have little footprints. I am grateful that I have an amazing family and incredible friends. I am just so blessed and while I have my "moments" I am still grateful and know how blessed I still am. So hold on, because I am pretty certain God is not finished yet.
On a happy note, Bill had a weekend planned with his friends for months to celebrate his old college roomates 40th birthday in New Orleans. He was reluctant to go and leave me, but Morgan had plans to spend the weekend with her little friend and Abbi had a soccer tournament and then had her friend over for pizza and a movie and then she crawled in bed with me and we watched Harry Potter for the 100th time. So it was a good weekend.
Yesterday, I went back to church which was good for me. I almost had a "moment" in church, but then just at that moment, the lady next to me started to sing REALLY loud and really, really off key. It was a new moment and even Abbi was trying not to laugh. It was perfect and a reminder that normal is on the horizon. After church Abbi and I ran to breakfast and next door to the breakfast place was a pottery place and Abbi begged me to go, she wanted to paint something to remind her of Michael. She knows it is difficult for me to argue with that right now. So we went in and looked around and to my surprise, they had these little ornaments that String of Pearls had sent us for Michael. I almost forgot, my daughters had painted Michael's feet and made little footprints on these ornaments. We went home to get the ornaments and took them back to this store us in hopes they would glaze and fire them for us. The nice clerk there was not all that happy about doing it, but Abbi and I both picked out additional pottery to paint and begged her. We explained the situation and I am sure she was scared to do it. Imagine this is the the only print of our sons feet that we have and what if they mess them up. So I do not think they were being mean, I think they were being careful. I tried to assure this woman we understood, so we shall see, I will let you know Wednesday when I go back to pick them up if they did it.
So we are working towards finding a new normal. I am not completely sure what that is, but I think we are doing well. I actually think a lot of things, but what I can say with certainty is that Michael is never far from my thoughts. I miss him and I am grateful for the time I had with him. I am grateful today that I was given the opportunity to make ornaments and get some pictures and to have little footprints. I am grateful that I have an amazing family and incredible friends. I am just so blessed and while I have my "moments" I am still grateful and know how blessed I still am. So hold on, because I am pretty certain God is not finished yet.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
A week gone by...
One week ago today Michael was still with me, it is hard to completely grasp that he is gone. Sometimes I feel like we are trying to get back to normal too quickly and I am so afraid he will be forgotten and his story will just end. I had a rough day Sunday when everyone went home. That is when it finally hit me. My sister in law has this sixth sense. My brother and sister in law were out finally celebrating their anniversary - and in the middle, she was thinking of me and texted me right smack dab in the middle of my meltdown. Well that pretty much spilled over into Monday and when the kids went back to school, meltdown number two. That goes to show you can not plan for grief. I am pretty sure yesterday I forgot to brush my teeth, so there you go. Today I promise to brush my teeth.
I got up this morning certain today was going to be a better day. Felix's wife just called and Felix died this morning. I prayed for Felix last night before I went to bed. I prayed he would not suffer anymore. It seems like I am fixated on that theme these days, but the point is, while I feel deflated again, I realized that God answered my prayer. Felix is a man of faith, perhaps stronger than I knew. Prayer is a very strong thing and my husband often has to remind me that God answers our prayers in ways that he knows are best, not in the ways we think we want them answered. This morning I am again struggling with my heart and my head. I know in my head Felix is home, he is not suffering, but my heart hurts for his family. My heart hurts for my girls, they will be sad as they were hoping for a miracle healing for Mr. Felix. I will miss his cheerful messages and his surprise visits and his passion for Nebraska football. He died a week after Michael was born, I never told him Michael was born or that he died. I asked specifically that no one told him as I knew Felix's time here was dwindling and he was such a cheerleader for me during my pregnancy with Michael, I figured, he would know soon enough. Please keep Felix's family in your prayers as they go through this difficult time.
I keep remembering things and I have to write about them so I don't forget. Saturday, I was laying in bed and Morgan came in and jumped in bed with me. She asked me if we could have another baby as she really wanted a baby brother and she really missed Michael. We of course had the we can't replace Michael conversation and then onto the mommy is getting older conversation and then I said, we will have to take some time and see maybe what God has in store for us. Well she was taking this all in and she looked at me very seriously and said, well maybe you could do what you did with Jessica. I sat there for a moment and then I said, what did I do with Jessica? (note to self - do not try to get into an 8 year olds thought process) Morgan responded to me in a sheepish kind of way, you know mommy, you had sex. Of course I am thinking, how exactly does she think she got here, but I said we needed a little time and skirted things a little bit and went to find Bill. I then asked Bill how she thinks she got here and he immediately laughed as he knew exactly what was in her head. He reminded me that we always tell her babies are gifts from God to mommies and daddies and so she figured that because I was not married to Bill when Jessica was born - I must have done something different to get her and since she wanted a baby so badly, perhaps I could just suck it up and have sex rather than wait around to see if God would give us another baby. So there you go, it's not so complicated after all.
Yesterday the girls came home from school and I had sent a note explaining to there teachers that Michael had died as I wanted them to be aware of what was happening. When they get home from school they usually give me a quick synopsis of the day and Abbi took this little monkey with a tiny digital pictures of Michael and the black and white picture of his feet. She showed it to her friends and her teacher let her take a few moments and she was so cute, she was quite the proud big sister. I asked Morgan if she talked about Michael at all and she got a little teary and said, no that it makes her sad to talk about him. I told her that was fine and that she did not have to talk about him if she did not want to. She then asked me when she would be able to talk about him without being sad. I told her that I wasn't sure and that I missed him too, but that it was ok to be sad.
Father Tom, talked about Michael in his homily Sunday. He spoke about the girls choosing his name, and what his name means and the angels they handed out to everyone after Michael was born to represent Michael's spirit. The girls are very proud of there little brother. I love that Michael's life has touched people. His short little life was absolutely meant to be and although I wish he could have been with us longer, Michael is a always going to be part of our family and I have no regrets about carrying Michael. Michael will never experience the things I wanted him to experience, but he has forever changed our lives in many ways. Grief is a process that may never really close, but our lives will continue and we will be happy as we try to find ways to honor his short little life.
I don't think I could ever find adequate words to describe my husband. He has been such a rock through this journey. From the moment we found out, he held me and he promised to be there for me and for the girls. He got them to school and to practices and made sure I was taken care of. We knew the final outcome and as painful as that was, his strength and his faith are so amazing. He gave me permission to grieve and he picked me up and carried me when I felt like I could not go any farther. I am confident that without him I could not make this journey.
I got up this morning certain today was going to be a better day. Felix's wife just called and Felix died this morning. I prayed for Felix last night before I went to bed. I prayed he would not suffer anymore. It seems like I am fixated on that theme these days, but the point is, while I feel deflated again, I realized that God answered my prayer. Felix is a man of faith, perhaps stronger than I knew. Prayer is a very strong thing and my husband often has to remind me that God answers our prayers in ways that he knows are best, not in the ways we think we want them answered. This morning I am again struggling with my heart and my head. I know in my head Felix is home, he is not suffering, but my heart hurts for his family. My heart hurts for my girls, they will be sad as they were hoping for a miracle healing for Mr. Felix. I will miss his cheerful messages and his surprise visits and his passion for Nebraska football. He died a week after Michael was born, I never told him Michael was born or that he died. I asked specifically that no one told him as I knew Felix's time here was dwindling and he was such a cheerleader for me during my pregnancy with Michael, I figured, he would know soon enough. Please keep Felix's family in your prayers as they go through this difficult time.
I keep remembering things and I have to write about them so I don't forget. Saturday, I was laying in bed and Morgan came in and jumped in bed with me. She asked me if we could have another baby as she really wanted a baby brother and she really missed Michael. We of course had the we can't replace Michael conversation and then onto the mommy is getting older conversation and then I said, we will have to take some time and see maybe what God has in store for us. Well she was taking this all in and she looked at me very seriously and said, well maybe you could do what you did with Jessica. I sat there for a moment and then I said, what did I do with Jessica? (note to self - do not try to get into an 8 year olds thought process) Morgan responded to me in a sheepish kind of way, you know mommy, you had sex. Of course I am thinking, how exactly does she think she got here, but I said we needed a little time and skirted things a little bit and went to find Bill. I then asked Bill how she thinks she got here and he immediately laughed as he knew exactly what was in her head. He reminded me that we always tell her babies are gifts from God to mommies and daddies and so she figured that because I was not married to Bill when Jessica was born - I must have done something different to get her and since she wanted a baby so badly, perhaps I could just suck it up and have sex rather than wait around to see if God would give us another baby. So there you go, it's not so complicated after all.
Yesterday the girls came home from school and I had sent a note explaining to there teachers that Michael had died as I wanted them to be aware of what was happening. When they get home from school they usually give me a quick synopsis of the day and Abbi took this little monkey with a tiny digital pictures of Michael and the black and white picture of his feet. She showed it to her friends and her teacher let her take a few moments and she was so cute, she was quite the proud big sister. I asked Morgan if she talked about Michael at all and she got a little teary and said, no that it makes her sad to talk about him. I told her that was fine and that she did not have to talk about him if she did not want to. She then asked me when she would be able to talk about him without being sad. I told her that I wasn't sure and that I missed him too, but that it was ok to be sad.
Father Tom, talked about Michael in his homily Sunday. He spoke about the girls choosing his name, and what his name means and the angels they handed out to everyone after Michael was born to represent Michael's spirit. The girls are very proud of there little brother. I love that Michael's life has touched people. His short little life was absolutely meant to be and although I wish he could have been with us longer, Michael is a always going to be part of our family and I have no regrets about carrying Michael. Michael will never experience the things I wanted him to experience, but he has forever changed our lives in many ways. Grief is a process that may never really close, but our lives will continue and we will be happy as we try to find ways to honor his short little life.
I don't think I could ever find adequate words to describe my husband. He has been such a rock through this journey. From the moment we found out, he held me and he promised to be there for me and for the girls. He got them to school and to practices and made sure I was taken care of. We knew the final outcome and as painful as that was, his strength and his faith are so amazing. He gave me permission to grieve and he picked me up and carried me when I felt like I could not go any farther. I am confident that without him I could not make this journey.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Michael's Memorial
Grief is a different animal, it can grab you when you least expect it. It occurred to me this morning, that I buried my son yesterday. I woke up this morning and the physical manifestations of being a new mother are a little cruel. Michael was born less than 4 days ago and I have been so busy, but today, today is a little harder - my body still thinks I have a baby to take care of. The girls really are doing well. Abbi is not in any of the photos with Michael and she is sad about that, but because of the cord accident, he was very blue when he was born and it upsetting to her so we did not push her to stay.
New Years Eve was quiet. I went out to get a dress for the funeral and then realized I was having some blood pressure issues, apparently these can be residual issues for up to 6 weeks, so I ended up in bed for the evening and Bill took the girls to my brother and sister in laws house for dinner. They picked up sparkling grape juice on the way home and we watched Dick Clark in bed and rang in the New Year all together. We had to be up early the next morning for Michael's funeral.
God took our baby back. Michael was always God's and I do realize this, but I still miss him. I miss his soft skin and his sweet little hands and his toes, I loved his toes. He had perfect little ears and little teeny tiny lips and long, long legs. He just looked so sweet and peaceful. I am not going to try to fool myself, this is hard, but I had a long time to prepare, so the element of shock is not as searing. The funeral itself was really nice. My brother sang Ave Maria and that made me cry, but I assure you those were happy tears. Michaels service actually was on a Holy Day. The service was so nice, the girls did well and quite a few of our friends and family made it to the service as well.
After the service a man walked up to Bill and he looked so concerned. He was an older gentleman and he wanted to talk with us. I was not sure what he was going to say and then I realized he didn't want to talk with us, he needed to. He told Bill he had lost his little girl to the same thing Michael had and that he knew what we were going through. He was visibly distraught. He had lost her probably 30 years ago but it appeared so fresh. It occured to me after much thought that when people hear about Michael (or any child with this condition) it probably really does bring all of those memories right back no matter how far away it was. While this may seem sad, as Michael's mother, the one thing I fear is that I will forget things about him (thus the blog) so while my heart hurt for him, I found some hope in remembering Michael. The girls handed out packets of Forget Me Not seeds to be planted in the spring, but my sister in law actually found "Michaels Tree" seeds and gave them to me at the end. I can not beleive she found them. I want to find a very prominent place in my yard for these so I can always look out and see this tree growing. I want to grieve and find a way to live with this and remember without being sad... Those are a few balls to juggle, and although I am sad, I have almost been feeling a little guilty almost because I feel like I did a lot of my grieving before Michael died. I mourned the loss of the son I had envisioned and fell in love with the son God gave us and knew he would eventually take back.
New Years Eve was quiet. I went out to get a dress for the funeral and then realized I was having some blood pressure issues, apparently these can be residual issues for up to 6 weeks, so I ended up in bed for the evening and Bill took the girls to my brother and sister in laws house for dinner. They picked up sparkling grape juice on the way home and we watched Dick Clark in bed and rang in the New Year all together. We had to be up early the next morning for Michael's funeral.
God took our baby back. Michael was always God's and I do realize this, but I still miss him. I miss his soft skin and his sweet little hands and his toes, I loved his toes. He had perfect little ears and little teeny tiny lips and long, long legs. He just looked so sweet and peaceful. I am not going to try to fool myself, this is hard, but I had a long time to prepare, so the element of shock is not as searing. The funeral itself was really nice. My brother sang Ave Maria and that made me cry, but I assure you those were happy tears. Michaels service actually was on a Holy Day. The service was so nice, the girls did well and quite a few of our friends and family made it to the service as well.
After the service a man walked up to Bill and he looked so concerned. He was an older gentleman and he wanted to talk with us. I was not sure what he was going to say and then I realized he didn't want to talk with us, he needed to. He told Bill he had lost his little girl to the same thing Michael had and that he knew what we were going through. He was visibly distraught. He had lost her probably 30 years ago but it appeared so fresh. It occured to me after much thought that when people hear about Michael (or any child with this condition) it probably really does bring all of those memories right back no matter how far away it was. While this may seem sad, as Michael's mother, the one thing I fear is that I will forget things about him (thus the blog) so while my heart hurt for him, I found some hope in remembering Michael. The girls handed out packets of Forget Me Not seeds to be planted in the spring, but my sister in law actually found "Michaels Tree" seeds and gave them to me at the end. I can not beleive she found them. I want to find a very prominent place in my yard for these so I can always look out and see this tree growing. I want to grieve and find a way to live with this and remember without being sad... Those are a few balls to juggle, and although I am sad, I have almost been feeling a little guilty almost because I feel like I did a lot of my grieving before Michael died. I mourned the loss of the son I had envisioned and fell in love with the son God gave us and knew he would eventually take back.
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